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A few things, Michael:
-Don’t say that even you can’t believe that United signed Michael Owen. That’s not helping.
-Stop with the “I’m not injury prone” business. You are. Paul Robinson stepped on your foot and it made you injury prone. Deal with it.
-Don’t sign Manchester City shirts literally seconds after you join Manchester United (6:23 into the video). That’s just a no.
All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of Dirty Tackle…
The last time Michael Owen leaves a Manchester area hospital without being on crutches. [Eurosport]
West Ham fans sabotaged Joe Cole’s wedding suit. [The Spoiler]
Jose Mourinho is not getting a divorce. [Kickette]
Kaka is officially Real Madrid supporter #540,000. [Goal]
Queen of the South defender catches swine flu in Ibiza. [Unprofessional Foul]
Stop worrying about transfer fees. [The Offside]
Adriano skipped training for the third time in two months, says he had diarrhea. [Goal]
Chelsea not giving up on Pato. [Caught Offside]
Olivia Munn swallows a hot dog. [The Original Winger]
Look! It’s Wayne Rooney! [Studs Up]
Here’s a teaser from EA Sports for FIFA 10. They say this is “actual gameplay footage”. If it is, then I can’t wait to commit ungodly acts of violence against Cristiano Ronaldo with such realistic graphics.
AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:
1. JULY 4 — WHY DO ONLY AMERICANS GET TO SET OFF FIREWORKS ON THIS DAY?!?!?!? I WANT TO BLOW THINGS UP TO!!!!! AHHHH IT’S THE ONE THING I ENJOY MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE AND EVERY TIME I GO TO CELTIC PARK TO BLOW SOME CRAP UP THEY SHOOT ME FULL OF HORSE TRANQUILIZERS AND TAKE AWAY MY LAND MINES!!!!!! I HATE WHEN THEY TAKE MY LAND MINES!!!!!!
2. CORN — IF YOU EAT IT WILL GET IN YOUR BODY AND CONTROL YOU FROM THE INSIDE!!!!!! OF COURSE THAT WILL STILL HAPPEN EVEN IF YOU DON’T EAT IT BUT STILL DON’T EAT IT ANYWAY!!!!!!!! CORN WILL KILL YOU DEAD!!!!!
3. RONALDO AS A DINOSAUR — AHHHHH WHY DOES THAT TUBBY TOMMY GET BE A GIANT DINOSAUR AND SMASH STUFF?!?!?!?! I WANT TO DO THAT!!!!! I WANT TO DO THAT SO BAD!!!!! IN FACT DOING THAT AND DISCOVERING A WAY TO TURN MURDEROUS RAGE INTO AN ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCE ARE MY TWO BIGGEST DREAMS IN LIFE!!!! BUT THE DINOSAUR THING IS PRIORITY NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!
4. FIREWORKS — OWWWW!!!!! I JUST LIT THE FUSE ON ONE AND FORGOT TO THROW IT AND IT BLEW UP IN MY HAND AND IT REALLY HURT AND IT WAS ALSO KIND OF EXCITING AND SO I THINK I MIGHT DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!
5. DIMITAR BERBATOV — WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!? EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IN THIS PICTURE MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE WITH EVERY PART OF MY BODY!!!!! IF I EVER MEET YOU I’M BRINGING THAT LITTLE ARSHAVIN ELF TO THROW AT YOU THE SECOND YOU GET TOO WEIRD!!!! WHICH WOULD TAKE APPROXIMATELY ONE QUARTER OF A SECOND!!!!
6. ADRIANO’S KIT NUMBER — YOU CAN’T WEAR THE NUMBER 100 ON YOUR SHIRT!!!!! IF YOU CAN DO THAT THEN I SHOULD BE ABLE TO WEAR A PICTURE OF THE POPE HEADBUTTING HITLER AS MY NUMBER!!!! I’VE ASKED 189 TIMES AND THEY STILL KEEP SAYING NO!!!!!
7. SPARKLERS — AHHHHH I JAMMED TWO OF THEM UP MY NOSE AND IT’S SO FANTASTIC!!!!! AHHHHHH I JAMMED THEM IN TOO FAR AND NOW THE SPARKS ARE GOING UP MY NOSE!!!!! IT FEELS LIKE A THOUSAND BEES STINGING MY SINUSES ALL AT ONCE!!!! OH WELL THIS IS STILL KIND OF COOL!!!!
8. PIZZA PARTIES — SO I WENT TO THIS PIZZA PARTY YESTERDAY EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T INVITED AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHO IT WAS FOR!!!!! I JUST REALLY LIKE PIZZA SO IF YOU’RE HAVING A PIZZA PARTY I’M GOING TO FIND IT AND EAT ALL YOUR PIZZA WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!!!!!! ANYWAY IT TURNED OUT THIS PARTY WAS FOR A BLIND KID WHO WAS TURNING 38 OR SOMETHING- I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW OLD HE WAS BUT I DO KNOW HIS PIZZA TASTED GOOD!!!! SO AFTER I STUFFED THREE SLICES IN MY MOUTH AT ONCE I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID “HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM ARTUR BORUC I HOPE YOU HAVE AN ENJOYABLE DAY!!!!!” AND HE SAID HE HAD NO IDEA WHO ARTUR BORUC IS AND ASKED WHY I WAS EATING ALL HIS PIZZA!!!!! SO I TOLD HIM I WAS THE BEST CELTIC GOALKEEPER CURRENTLY ATTENDING HIS PARTY AND THAT I WAS EATING ALL HIS PIZZA BECAUSE I LIKE PIZZA!!!!! AND HE TOLD ME TO LEAVE SO I DID!!!!!! BUT NOT BEFORE LICKING ONE OF HIS PIZZAS TO TRY AND MAKE HIM GIVE IT TO ME BUT BECAUSE HE WAS BLIND I DON’T THINK HE SAW IT AND HE DIDN’T GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!! AHHHHH I HATE BLIND KIDS WHO ARE GREEDY AT PIZZA PARTIES!!!!! OWWWWW AND THE BOTTLE ROCKET I HAD IN MY PANTS THIS WHOLE TIME JUST WENT OFF AND NOW I THINK IT’S STUCK SOMEWHERE IT SHOULDN’T BE!!!!!!!
I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!
I have no idea what’s going on here, but I’m pretty sure the guy in blue was trying to recreate a move he learned in prison.
Well Franck Ribery has told L’Equipe that he wants to leave Munich and join the orgy of cash and superstar talent in Madrid, even going so far as to reject a new deal from Bayern to show he means business.
But what Ribery doesn’t seem to realize is that he isn’t dealing with any old set of club executives. He’s dealing with the dickbags that run Bayern Munich.
In a show of stubbornness, the club’s executive chairman, Karl-Heinz Rummenigge (pictured above, denying an orphan a much needed meal), told newspaper tz:
“We are very cool on that sort of story, really.
“Personally, I read Franck’s statement like that: either Real Madrid or nothing. And our clear reply is: nothing!”
It wasn’t quoted in the paper, but I’m pretty sure he followed that up with a wicked cackle and pulling his leather gloves tight against his fingers.
“Did one ever see us in haste? We are not worried or making haste. We keep standing firm, Franck will remain at our club.”
So while chairman Uli Hoeness is making Luca Toni shill his sausages to Italians, Rummenigge is firmly holding Ribery’s shirt tail as he tried to scamper off to Madrid.
Although, damn, it is kind of nice to see someone stand up to Florentino Perez for a change.
That’s right, Johnny. Those vitamin enriched* Kellogg’s Whole Wheat Flakes sure do give you energy!
*several of the vitamins are actually various forms of asbestos.
I am Becks. You know this. Welcome to my blog. I write it for myself (I call it a blogoire because it sounds European and intelligent), as it is the only thing to keep me sane while I am over in the dreadful footballing (oh sorry, soccering) nation of USA America, where I will be heading back to play out the string of my multi-million dollar contractual obligations to the LA Failaxy. It really is bloody awful. But I do it all for you. You meaning me, when I read this later. Anyway, the multi-millions should come in handy when I am finally back to stalking the trendy streets of Milan in a few short months, where I belong, when my master transfer plan comes to fruition for good.
Simply, the anticipation of returning to America is terrible. Terrible terrible terrible. The new gaffer, Bruce Arena, called me up on my mobile the other day to make sure I was still coming and I said “I don’t know,” then I cried and hung up. I know I’m going back, but I just had to say something as his accent was the most putrid sound I had ever heard. And over there, they say I speak like a little British girl? Becks — a British girl!? I’m not a female. But I have witty banter with lots of them. Then, if I feel like it, I have bang them and pray my Robot Wife doesn’t find out. But I’m getting ahead of myself, as the quality of local talent in America is quite poor. When I was last there, I tried out the girl at the In-N-Out burger, but she was nothing special, nor was the burger. Everything about the damned country is awful and unworthy of a Becks-banging.
I mean who would actually ever want to play there? Why do people even live there? These are questions that I contemplate on a daily basis. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!?
Yet being the positive beacon of abdominal muscle and perfectly groomed chin stubble that I am, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in beautiful Milan. When I get back there I will once again be the footballing connoisseur of fashion and European-ness that I know I am.
Let the countdown begin…
Davey XX
DTotD ladies week continues…apologies for the music on this one, though. It’s really really awful.
Our friends at ChannelBee sent us this clip of The Great British Tennis Hope himself, Andy Murray (who just advanced to the semifinals at Wimbledon earlier today, by the way), displaying and commenting on his keepy-uppy skills with a tennis ball during an interview with Lovejoy. Skip ahead to 1:30 into the clip and wonder how well Murray could do as a tennis ball freestyler if this tennis business doesn’t work out.
And for the first two parts of the interview, head over to the newly and beautifully redesigned ChannelBee.
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