DT Friday Gossip Column
Just like the BBC’s gossip column, except all the rumors are made up by the same source (me).
Breaking Gossip:
West Ham will scrap plans to replace shirt sponsor XL with betting company SBOBet, instead opting to emblazon their kits with the bust of their new most famous supporter, US President-elect Barack Obama, in hopes that the millions of Americans who donated to his record setting campaign will continue to throw money at whatever is adorned with his image and/or name.
When asked if they will milk this connection for all it’s worth, West Ham responded: “Yes we can!”
Transfer Gossip:
Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp will sign all of Portsmouth’s best players, and even some of the bad ones, in the January transfer window.
Portsmouth will cry and ask an unresponsive god what they’ve done to deserve this horrible turn of fortune.
In their continuing effort to sign every shirt-selling name in the sport, AC Milan will pull Pele out of retirement with the promise of “assbuckets of cash.”
Unsettled Hull City striker Dean Windass will go to Arsenal on loan to fulfill the obligatory ass/Arse joke.
No one will ever pry Karim Benzema away from Lyon (so stop pretending like you will).
Ronaldo will finally sign with a Brazilian club that no one’s ever heard of or cares about, bringing an appropriate anti-climax to his career.
Andrei Arshavin will whimper when Zenit Saint Petersburg again refuses to sell him for anything less than eleventy bazillion Euros in January.
Other Gossip:
Juventus striker Amauri will finally come to terms that Brazil doesn’t really care about him that much and accept a cap from the Italian national team.
American owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks will announce the sale of Liverpool FC only to say “just kidding” and have yet another good laugh at the expense of the Scousers.
Lionel Messi has admitted it was wrong of him to spit at Duda, promises to punch him in the face like a man next time.
And Finally:
Diego Maradona will put his Argentine squad on the same diet that fueled him as a player: Cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine.
Tags: AC Milan, Amauri, Andrei Arshavin, Arsenal, Barack Obama, Dean Windass, Diego Maradona, Harry Redknapp, Karim Benzema, Lionel Messi, Liverpool, Pele, Portsmouth, Ronaldo, West Ham
©