If it continued… (2014 MLS Cup final)

Landon Donovan Landon Donvan Landon Donovan. Landon Donovan, Landon Donovan 2-1 Landon Donovan. Landon Donovan Landon Donovan Landon Donovan — Landon Donovan. Landon Donovan Landon Donovan, “What if it continued?” Landon Donovan.

125′ — David Beckham considers dropping by the StubHub Center to cheer on his former club, but decides he’s far too busy not doing that to make it over there.

131′ — Referee Mark Geiger keeps telling Landon Donovan how amazing it was to be a part of the last World Cup.

138′ — Jermaine Jones assures himself that even if New England lose, at least he got his yellow card. This makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. He considers buying a custom bed shaped like a yellow card for this very reason.

143′ — Jurgen Klinsmann and his son note that Landon Donovan hasn’t done very much in this, the final match of his career. They then shed tears and hug as they realize this is the last time they’ll be able to bond over how unimpressed they are with him.

149′ — New England Revolution owner Bob Kraft mentally prepares himself for the distinct possibility of only winning a Super Bowl with his New England Patriots again this season. He sighs and then eats a funnel cake.

152′ — Alan Gordon tells no one in particular that this is better than the time he got messed up on peyote before performing at the original Woodstock.

154′ — Several players on both teams’ benches fill out part-time job applications to help them make ends meet through the offseason. A few of them text NWSL players to see if they know of any openings. The MLS owners claim they’re totally looking for side jobs as well, since they’re barely making any money and couldn’t possibly pay the players more right now.

156′ — MLS MVP Robbie Keane, once identified by an American photographer as “an unidentified fan,” scores again. He celebrates by shouting, “Now you my name, America!” One of the pitchside photographers responds, “Is it Andrew?” Robbie Keane says, “Ok.”

160′ — The match is abandoned when Landon Donovan loses interest and wanders off to start a Boyz II Men tribute band. MLS commissioner Don Garber immediately declares him the “savior of ’90s R&B” and demands that Boyz II Men include him on their next album because “to think that MLS is not aligned with our nation’s R&B groups is disappointing and personally frustrating, frustrating as hell.”

Meanwhile, Bruce Arena drinks.


  1. Michael says:

    I was waiting for it, and it’s genius. The jab at Garber and the owners about the upcoming CBA is particularly good.

    Oh, and that face is how we will all remember Bruce Arena when he retires one day.

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