A guide to living and working in LA for Steven Gerrard

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has officially signed with the LA Galaxy and will join his new MLS club in July. Though Gerrard is far from the first aging superstar to join the league, what does make his situation more unique is the fact that he’s played his entire career so far for his hometown club. Going from Liverpool to Los Angeles will be a colossal change for the 34-year-old both personally and professionally. So to help him out, we’ve put together a guide to aid in his transition.

-The bright thing in the sky is called “the sun.” And the first thing you should do upon arrival in LA is fill your bathtub with something called “sunscreen” and then soak your entire body in it every hour on the hour for the entirety of your stay.

-If you only pretend to sign an MLS contract, you can return to the Premier League whenever you want (see: Lampard, Frank).

-If anyone asks you about Landon Donovan, refer to him as a “legend” and move on with the conversation.

-If anyone asks you about Jurgen Klinsmann, pretend to have a seizure and quickly leave the room.

-Many of your new teammates will be making less money than you spend on Phil Collins concert DVDs. When dining out with them, pay for their meals and give them all a little extra so they can spend the night someplace warm in order to avoid unflattering anecdotes in any books that might be written about you.

-If you say “You’ll Never Walk Alone” to someone in LA, chances are they will be unfamiliar with the concept of walking. To better express this sentiment, just say “You’ll Never Ride Uber Alone.”

-If an American photo agency takes your picture and labels you an “unidentified fan” in the caption, don’t let it upset you. It happens.

-Never ask for an explanation of MLS’s countless drafts or any other league rules. The result will either be further confusion or Don Garber calling a press conference to disparage your family.

-There is no promotion/relegation system in MLS. Instead, new clubs are invented out of thin air every year and others occasionally disappear without a trace. If someone asks you whether promotion/relegation should be brought to MLS, pretend to have a seizure and quickly leave the room.

-If anyone complains about your use of the word “football” in the States, politely explain how saying “soccer” with a Scouse accent can seriously injure anyone standing near you.

-The urge to eat In-N-Out Burger three times a day will be strong, but some people will say you shouldn’t do this. Don’t listen to them.

-If someone in LA introduces themselves to you as “Gary Busey,” just run. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back.


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