Arsenal finally decided to adapt to their opponent instead of the people in their dressing room mirror and ended up beating Man City 2-0 at the Etihad. It marked the first time since 2010 that they have won at City (when the score was 3-0, with goals from Samir Nasri, Alex Song and…Nicklas Bendtner). Defensive midfielder Francis Coquelin stepped into the starting XI and though Arsenal uncharacteristically allowed City to have 65% of possession, goals from Santi Cazorla and Olivier Giroud made the difference. Given the rarity of this event, we really must ask “What if it continued?”
97′ — Frank Lampard stops running and asks if he can go to New York now.
98′ — So does Mesut Ozil.
101′ — Alexis Sanchez has a panic attack when he realizes that he’s not the only Arsenal player being productive for once. He wonders if his teammates are playing a cruel joke on him. Or if they are plotting to murder him.
105′ — Man City hastily arrange for a trail of birthday cakes to be set up from the African Cup of Nations to the Etihad in a desperate attempt to lure Yaya Toure back to the club as soon as possible.
113′ — Santi Cazorla continues his one-man dance party and distracts everyone with his unique combination of adorableness and incredible talent.
120′ — Alexis Sanchez sits on the bench with his hands on his neck just in case someone attempts to garrote him from behind.
126′ — Olivier Giroud scores his second goal and celebrates by impregnating everyone in Manchester with his hair.
132′ — To teach Wojciech Szczesny a lesson, Arsene Wenger makes him smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in the shower, but since the water and his tears keep putting out the cigarettes, he has been in there for 10 days now.
136′ — In the midst of his third consecutive appearance without scoring a goal, Sergio Aguero is declared legally dead (by his standards). Alexis Sanchez pulls each leg of his shorts up to his ribcage in an attempt to ward off the evil that has already claimed Aguero.
141′ — Referee Mike Dean scolds himself for somehow forgetting to make Arsenal lose again.
144′ — Vincent Kompany finally realizes that doing the opposite of what he would normally do like George Costanza in that one episode of Seinfeld was a terrible idea.
147′ — The match is abandoned when Arsene Wenger is assaulted by a roving gang of zippers and suffers amnesia, causing him to instantly forget everything he and his team just did right.
148′ — Jose Mourinho sends a group text to Wenger and Manuel Pellegrini that simply says “LOL thx dinguses!!”