Future News: Jose Mourinho goes on hunger strike for the duration of Diego Costa’s ban

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has interrupted his self-imposed media silence to announce his plan to go on a hunger strike until the end of Diego Costa’s three-match ban for stamping on Liverpool’s Emre Can.

“If Diego must suffer, I will suffer with him,” Mourinho told reporters while wearing what can only be described as a loincloth. “For as long as he is being punished for something that other players from other clubs get away with all the time, I will not eat anything. Nothing. Not even a Kit Kat. Or the chocolates on the pillows at hotels. And if I die because of this, my blood will be on the Premier League’s hands.”

Costa will miss Saturday’s match against Manchester City, as well as games against Aston Villa and Everton, which would bring Mourinho’s hunger strike to a total of 12 days. Costa’s punishment comes two days after Mourinho himself was fined £25,000 for saying that there is a “campaign” against his club — a position he maintains.

“Many great people throughout history have been persecuted,” Mourinho added. “Jesus Christ, Joan of Arc, Jose Mourinho. All of our names begin with the letter J. You cannot dispute this. But no one has ever been persecuted like what is being done to me by the Premier League and the referees and Jamie Redknapp. No one. Jamie Redknapp is the devil.”

When asked what he hopes to gain from this unprecedented protest to an FA ban, Mourinho said, “Demands? I have no demands. I just want everyone to never do anything I don’t like again. And for Jamie Redknapp to be imprisoned for war crimes. That’s it. Simple.”

If his hunger strike doesn’t work, the Portuguese may continue his fight in other ways.

“I can do many things,” Mourinho concluded. “I can hold my breath until I go unconscious, I can do the most annoying sound in the world like Jim Carrey in the Dumb and Dumber movie, I can do lots of things to fight this persecution. I can bring Andre Villas-Boas back to this country. Lots of things. So stop this campaign against me because I don’t deserve it. Manuel Pellegrini? Yes. Arsene Wenger? Definitely. But not me. Not me.”

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