Projecting Arsenal’s future Champions League misery

Arsenal carried on their consistency in Champions League masochism by soundly beating Monaco 2-0 in the second leg of round of 16 tie to be eliminated on away goals with an aggregate score of 3-3. Anyone and everyone with so much as a passing familiarity with Arsenal’s recent history in the competition — four (now five) consecutive round of 16 eliminations —predicted this exact result, as their narrow avoidance of advancing further has become more reliable than a Japanese train schedule.

It’s with this knowledge that we can accurately predict what horrors will come next for Arsenal in the Champions League. But first, a refresher on the last five years.

2010/11: Arsenal shock Barcelona with a 2-1 win in the first leg, but lose the second 3-1 to go out on a 4-3 aggregate score.

2011/12: Milan thump Arsenal 4-0 in the first leg, but Arsenal storm back to win the second leg 3-0 and go out on a 4-3 aggregate score.

2012/13: Bayern Munich beat Arsenal 3-1 in the first leg, but Arsenal win the second leg 2-0 to go out on away goals with a 3-3 aggregate score.

2013/14: Bayern beat Arsenal 2-0 in the first leg, but Arsenal can only muster a 1-1 draw in the second to go out 3-1 on aggregate.

2014/15: Monaco stun Arsenal with a 3-1 win in the first leg, but Arsenal fight back with a 2-0 win in the second to go out on away goals with a 3-3 aggregate score.

2015/16: Barcelona dismantle Arsenal, winning the first leg 10-0. But the calls for Arsene Wenger to be sacked are quieted when Arsenal win the second leg 9-0.

2016/17: Given the now certain inevitability of Arsenal’s failed pursuit of the Champions League quarterfinals, only eight players agree to participate in the round of 16. They astonishingly beat Juventus 1-0 in the first leg, then lose the second 1-0 and are eliminated after missing all of their penalties in the ensuing shootout.

2017/18: Arsenal successfully petition UEFA to allow them to forgo their Champions League spot, but keep the prize money won by whichever team replaces them in the competition. Spurs take the vacated spot and go on to win their first Champions League title. Arsenal regretfully accept the prize money earned by their rivals.

2018/19: Arsenal return to the competition and amidst the much talked about certainty of their round of 16 elimination, they end up getting eliminated in the group stage. A UEFA match-fixing scandal then results in the tournament being cut short and the final 16 clubs all sharing the title. Arsenal go on to win the Europa League.

2019/20: Arsenal return to the Champions League round of 16. Convinced that he must solve some kind of cosmic puzzle in order to finally advance past this stage, Wenger decides that finding true love will be the key that unlocks him from his bizarre prison. He realizes his deep feelings for Gunnersaurus and the two start a life together. Arsenal get knocked out yet again, but at this point it no longer matters to Wenger (or Gunnersaurus). They both retire to spend more time together and Arsenal win the Champions League the very next season.




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