Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s expert analysis of the Champions League quarterfinal draw

Gianni Infantino has stopped talking long enough to do the Champions League quarterfinal draw and I must say I am disappointed. First, because UEFA only reduced my ban for that stupid red card against Chelsea to one game instead of wiping it completely and begging for my forgiveness. Second, because they said that my idea to open the draw by using a French referee as a human Zlacrifice to acknowledge that PSG are too good for France was “inappropriate.” And third because I must wait even longer to get my revenge on Pep Guardiola, who gets super lucky again.

PSG v Barcelona — Yes, we must do this again since UEFA is boring. We beat them once and they beat us once in the group stage already. I scored at the Camp Nou (again) and I have hugged Messi too many times to count. And when we eliminate them from the competition, I will hug Messi again and tell him that it was a good thing he didn’t embarrass himself by trying to nutmeg me like the Man City players. He knows that anyone who tries to nutmeg Zlatan gets a tsunami of the most menacing emojis sent to their phone later that night. It’s so menacing. And then, of course, I kick them to death, but it’s the emojis that are the worst part. Aside from being kicked to death.

Atletico Madrid v Real Madrid — This is even more boring than PSG-Barca! Yes, it is a rematch of last year’s final and that’s nice, but it is also a rematch of the 900 other times they have played each other in various competitions this season. Ronaldo will throw his toys when he doesn’t score every goal, Simeone will pretend that wearing all black makes him a tough guy and Fernando Torres will be nice to everyone. All of this makes me Zlawn.

Porto v Bayern Munich — Of course Pep’s team gets another easy draw. Of course. This man must have a rabbit’s foot permanently lodged in his colon. How else can he always be this lucky? Well, you cannot avoid me forever, Pep. All this means is that you must live with the crippling suspense of waiting to find out when I will finally destroy you once and for all. The day will come. And I will remove that rabbit’s foot from your colon the Zlard way.

Juventus v Monaco — People are saying this is good for Juventus, but you watch. Monaco will probably win the whole thing and Dimitar Berbatov will lift the trophy without breaking a sweat just because the world is not fair that way. If this happens, no amount of Messi hugs would make me feel better.


  1. Jennifer says:

    We can only hope that Monaco wins the whole thing, and we’re thus treated to The Continental describing the three-way Berba has with the trophy and Cousin Timitar. With mayonnaise, of course.

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