Four days after winning re-election as FIFA president and giddily declaring himself “president of everybody,” Sepp Blatter has abruptly announced that he will step down once a special election can be held in a few months so he can spend more time with his legal team and anyone willing to hide him in their basement.
Blatter’s decision comes as the FBI investigation that resulted in the arrest of several top FIFA officials in the days leading up to the election moves closer to Blatter himself, with FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke now being implicated.
“There comes a time in a man’s life when he realizes that it’s not all about work,” Bladder told reporters while nervously looking over his shoulder for U.S attorney general Loretta Lynch. “It’s also about making sure you aren’t arrested and extradited for that work. So with that in mind, I have decided that it is now a good time to fully devote myself to going on the lam and making sure that the Americans and the spineless rats that I was once proud to call my lackeys can’t hold me accountable for the corruption that I won’t admit to. You’ll never take me alive! Never!”
Blatter, who has been FIFA president for 17 prosperous and scandal plagued years, will remain in office until an extraordinary congress can be arranged and new presidential candidates can launch their campaigns. This will require a minimum of four months. He may or may not spend that entire time hiding behind a curtain in his office, hoping that law enforcement officers won’t see him there.
“You need people like me,” Blatter said. “You need people like me so you can point your fingers and say, ‘That’s the bad guy.’ So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way! And when Michel Platini becomes president — then you’re gonna wish you still had Sepp Blatter!”