-Get tournament in Canada, which is close enough for a large number of U.S. fans to attend, but without potential for accusations of host nation bias. (The only other bid came from Zimbabwe, who mysteriously withdrew a few months after the bid deadline.)
-Start indicting FIFA officials shortly before the start of the tournament to scare Jerome Valcke and Sepp Blatter away from attending. (Because having those scuzzbags around would just make everything 20% less enjoyable.)
-Be the most vocal opponent to the host nation’s artificial turf to distract from the fact that if it does make scoring harder, it only plays into the team’s current defensive strengths and pre-existing scoring weaknesses. (Result: 513 minutes without conceding a goal and a place in the final.)
-Play just well enough to comfortably win group, but not well enough to scare future opponents.
-Benefit from favorable seeding in knockout stage, which FIFA openly admits was designed to maximize attendance and TV ratings (but was secretly also intended to ensure a deep run by the U.S., hopefully distracting the country from its case against FIFA long enough to shred documents and find safe havens without extradition treaties).
-Continue to play just well enough to win in round of 16 and quarterfinals.
-Finally make necessary tactical adjustments and play up to potential against top ranked Germany, who are coming off an exhausting shootout win against France in the quarterfinals (thanks to FIFA’s gerrymandering), taking them by surprise and leaving them unable to cope.
-Get favorable calls from the referee that keep top defender Julie Johnston on the pitch and gift penalty to the U.S. that results in the first goal of a 2-0 win. (So opponent in the final will think they just got lucky and remain beatable.)
-Reach final with potential to avenge 2011 loss to Japan or just face England for fun (during the weekend the U.S. celebrates its independence from Great Britain).
-Promise to drop all charges against FIFA officials if the U.S. win the Women’s World Cup for the first time since 1999 in order to ensure more favorable calls in the final. (Then go back on this promise if/when it happens, resulting in ultimate prize of a record third WWC title and dismantling of FIFA.)
-Jill Ellis is Keyser Söze.
Sepp won’t attend because … The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
Oh, and if they face England, they’ll also be facing the parent country of the host country (that they would like to show up occasionally) and who also knocked out the host country. AND the game is being played not far from two bastions of MLS-dom Seattle and Portland, over a holiday weekend. Sweet!
And on the field Canada lost to England on. And the players on USWNT who play for Seattle and Portland? Heath, Morgan, Solo & Rapinoe