Future News: FIFA denounces comedian for throwing insultingly small denominations of money at Sepp Blatter

FIFA has admonished comedian Lee Nelson for throwing money at outgoing president Sepp Blatter in denominations that the governing body has described as “worthlessly small.”

“What happened to Mr. Blatter during Monday’s press conference was abhorrent and disgusting,” said a FIFA spokesman. “I mean $1 bills? Really? This is FIFA president Sepp Blatter you’re dealing with, not the night manager of a Burger King. If you’re going to throw money at our executives, have the decency to at least use something they would recognize as  actual currency. Anything less than $50 bills is simply useless in their eyes and will just end up in something they call the ‘trash money bin’ — the contents of which is incinerated at the end of every month.”

Blatter walked out of the press conference at FIFA headquarters in Zurich as security dealt with Nelson and disposed of the so called “trash money.” He made his disapproval clear before leaving, but as the spokesman clarified, it wasn’t the act itself with which Blatter took issue.

“To be clear, we don’t discourage throwing money at FIFA executives as some form of protest, comedy routine, or any other conceivable reason. We just ask that anyone attempting this follow the lead of our sponsors and throw millions of dollars or expensive watches or rare lizards, whether pleased or angry with us.”

The incident has inspired at least one notable reform at FIFA, though. The scandal plagued organization will now have a “designated money throwing period” before every press conference at its headquarters, where the assembled journalists will be invited to step forward and empty the contents of their wallets into a collection basket. Provided those contents meet the stated criteria. If they don’t, the journalist’s possessions will be burned and their credentials will be revoked.

FIFA is hailing this decision as “the kind of reform we can get behind.”

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