Future News: Pepe claims Lionel Messi broke into his house and terrorized him in the night

Real Madrid defender Pepe has made the sensational claim that Barcelona star Lionel Messi broke into his house in the dead of night and brutally attacked him.

This comes after Messi stunned the world by headbutting and grabbing the neck of Roma defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa in an uncharacteristic show of anger during a preseason friendly.

“I was sleeping in my home when I woke to the sound of shattering glass,” Pepe explained. “I jumped up and saw what looked like Leo Messi climbing into my bedroom. I remember saying, ‘This must be a dream!’ and then Messi said, ‘No, it’s your worst nightmare.’ In that moment, I had never seen a person look so mean. Not even in the mirror.”

According to the Portuguese defender, Messi then savagely beat him with a Copa America runners-up medal and demanded that he hand over all the candy in his house.

“I gave him all the candy I had because he threatened to make me walk barefoot across thousands of Lego pieces,” Pepe continued, clearly still shaken by the experience. “He said it wasn’t enough and that he was going to make me drive to a shop and buy him more candy and pay his taxes for him. I then worked up the courage to ask him why he was doing this to me and he said, ‘What Gonzalo Higuain did to me in the World Cup final AND the Copa America final showed me that life isn’t fair. And if I’m going to get what I want, I have to take it. So it’s no more Mr. Nice Leo.’ And then he stood on a chair and twisted my nipple so hard. I will never forget that pain. It was even worse than the time Thomas Müller’s head got in the way of my head.”

Pepe said that hadn’t reported Messi to the police because the four-time Ballon d’Or winner warned him not to.

“He pointed to all the tattoos covering his arm and leg and he asked if I knew why he got them,” Pepe whispered. “I said I didn’t and he said, ‘I got them now so if I go to prison I can spend all my time plotting against whoever put me there instead of getting tattoos. So don’t let it be you.’ I didn’t want to tell him that this didn’t make any sense because I was afraid he would twist my other nipple if I did. I was so afraid…I was so afraid.”

Pepe concluded by warning other footballers to watch out for Messi this season.

“It’s like when Anakin Skywalker turned into Darth Vader. The Camp Nou will be his Death Star.”

5 comments

  1. “…Messi then savagely beat him with a Copa America runners-up medal and demanded that he hand over all the candy in his house.”

    This part was just amazing… amazing. I love it when I read something that makes me actually laugh out loud. Thank you Brooks!

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