Well hello there.

I see you’ve caught me taking a selfie at my PAOK unveiling. Yes, all these people are here to see The Berba and breathe in my intoxicating scent. … No, that’s not Zlatan’s new cologne. It’s pure Berba-musk. And whiff of unseen mayonnaise. Ha-HA!

There were many clubs all over the world who hoped to acquire my effortless goal scoring and envied seduction Berbabilities once I had done all I could to infuse Monaco with a new level of sophistication, class, and creative uses for lubrications. But it was PAOK who most tickled my fancy. Which, just to be clear, you may also tickle anytime you like. How about right now? … Well, later then.

“Oh great and impressively hygienic Berba, we finished fifth last season and haven’t won the Superleague since 1985,” they told me as I decided to make a point to discuss my eyebrows with strangers more often. “We need to breathe in your intoxicating scent to inspire us to greatness and erotic new heights. And Greece as a whole needs you to rebuild our economy simply by existing within our borders and attracting your countless international admirers with your natural siren song of mysterious pleasure.”

Since “no” is a word I refuse to say except when discussing how I never say it, I decided to accept this offer and so here we are celebrating all things Berba. Including my eyebrows.

Here at PAOK I will wear the number that represents my favorite sexual position — 10. And as you can see, everyone is so delighted to have me here that they are cheering and photographing me as I photograph myself being cheered and photographed. But what you can’t see from this angle is that they’re so delighted because I’m nude from the waist down. Ha-HA!

This is the start of something wonderful and arousing. So join me on this new adventure that will surely awaken the senses and establish The Berba as the Greek God of Goals, Hot Tubs, and Mayonnaise.

Now what do you say to joining The Berba in forming a steamy No. 10 in front of all these people right now? … Well that’s disappointing.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of…The Continental…