Everything you need to know about El Clasico

El Clasico is a match played several times per season between Team Messi (sometimes referred to as “FC Barcelona”) and Team Cristiano (sometimes referred to as “Real Madrid”). It is the biggest rivalry in world football thanks entirely to the existence of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, the only two footballers worth talking about.

Since international law requires them to be compared to each other anytime one of their names is mentioned, this match-up provides the purest test in determining which of them is the best. Because one of them always has to be the best. If one is not better than the other, then will all slowly die in an excruciating pit of fire.


FC Barcelona began in 2000 when a 13-year-old Lionel Messi went to Spain to score some human growth hormone and decided that he wanted to play football while he pumped himself full of superstar serum. Given his age, he couldn’t just jump right into playing with adults, so he also created the famous La Masia youth academy, allowing him to embarrass children his own age until he was ready to make the move to embarrassing grown-ups with the first team.

Real Madrid originally existed between 2003 and 2007 when David Beckham built the club to serve as the setting for the film Goal II: Living The Dream. It was then reformed in 2009 for Cristiano Ronaldo’s newly released documentary Ronaldo: Aren’t I Wonderful? Yes, I Am: The Film. Now that filming on the project has wrapped, the club no longer serves a purpose for him, so it is believed he will soon move elsewhere in order to justify a sequel.

The players

Team Messi:

Not Messi

Not Messi

Not Messi

Almost Messi (Maybe)

Lionel Messi

Team Cristiano:

Not Ronaldo

Ronaldo’s Personal Destroyer of Worlds

Wishes He Was Ronaldo

Was Almost Ronaldo For A Few Months Last Year

Cristiano Ronaldo

The Managers

They will both be sacked soon enough, so don’t worry about them.


Barcelona play a style called “Messi Maka” which involves passing the ball a bunch before Messi decides to score.

Real Madrid play a style called “Let Ronaldo take a million free kicks until he makes one.” It’s pretty self-explanatory.

Who is better, Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo?

That’s for you to decide. But remember, you must have a definitive answer based solely on the most recent evidence or we will all die slowly in an excruciating pit of fire. You are also required to hate anyone who disagrees with you and actively try to make their life a living hell. Again, this is international law and it must be honored.

So that’s El Clasico! Enjoy!

Previously: The definitive timeline of Messi and Ronaldo playing for the same club


  1. Greggy says:

    For most Australians, the footballing (soccer) world consists of:
    1. The EPL
    2. The A-League
    3. Everyone else

    I’m going to use this brilliant piece of writing to explain to my friends what a big deal the Clasico is. Good on you sir!

  2. ToonArmyMilwaukee says:

    This is a Top Ten article!!

    I’m sure there are funnier writers on the web than you, Brooks, but I won’t bother looking for them. The internet is a vast and scary hellhole of sex perverts and Man Utd lovers, so I’ll stick with you, rather than risk my personal safety seeking out other funny football commentary.

    Except for FitbaThatba. I even have their t-shirt. That’s a BIG hint, there, Brooks!!

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