With a bandage on his cheek to match the metaphorical one on his ego, Sepp Blatter conducted a rambling and typically bizarre press conference after being given an eight-year ban (along with Michel Platini) by FIFA’s ethics committee. These are the most astoundingly real and supremely Sepp quotes from this hilarious event.

-An early fake-out: “I am sorry. I am sorry that I am still somewhere a punching ball. I am sorry that as president of Fifa I am a punching ball. I am sorry for football. I am sorry for the 400+ Fifa members. I’m sorry. I am sorry about how I am treated in this world of humanitarian qualities.”

-You don’t say: “The decision has created a lot of collateral damage, my family was mocked.”

-Dumber than they look: “Inside FIFA people could not understand why the president was suspended.”

-Case closed: “There might have been an administrative error, but this was nothing to do with the ethics. This cannot be proven. If it cannot be proven, then it cannot be guilty.”

-An important distinction: “I have never cheated with money.”

-Fingers in his ears: “This committee has no right to go against the president of FIFA. The president can only be removed by the congress. Even suspended, I am still the president. I regret, but I am not ashamed.”

-A parting threat: “I’ll be back.”