Pep Guardiola to consider taking more than just jobs from other managers

Growing bored with taking prominent jobs out from under other managers, Pep Guardiola is now considering taking other things from them, like pets, family heirlooms, and their souls, as well.

Manchester City announced that Pep Guardiola will replace Manuel Pellegrini as the club’s manager next season even though there are still four months left in this season and Pellegrini had never expressed a desire to leave his post. This comes after Guardiola did something similar to Jupp Heynckes at his current club, Bayern Munich, in 2013. Heynckes went on to win the treble in his final season, a feat Guardiola has not yet been able to match. Pellegrini, who won the Premier League and League Cup double in the 2013/14 season, still has City in contention for all four trophies this season.

“I thank Manuel for all his hard work in building a side that I can take over and claim as my own,” said Guardiola, who tired of the Bayern job even quicker than he did the Barcelona job. “But the satisfaction of taking a man’s job while he continues to work it begins to wane after the second or third time you do it. So in addition to Manuel’s position, I will also be taking his clothes and his childhood memories.”

When reached for comment on Guardiola’s move, Jupp Heynckes said, “He keeps me in a jar in his cellar. Please help.”

Man City will provide Guardiola with a large amount of money to spend on transfers in the hopes that he will duplicate what he was able to achieve at Barcelona.

“I look forward to achieving great success with Manchester City,” Guardiola added. “Before I inevitably lose interest and make a lame duck manager out of someone else at another top club with strong financial backing in a few years. In the meantime, I might take Mauricio Pochettino’s hair, Big Sam’s nickname, and Claudio Ranieri’s players.” 

Guardiola’s move to Man City will be a fresh blow to Manchester United as they struggle to decide whether to do with their manager, Louis van Gaal.

An unsolicited email from Jose Mourinho read: “Give me the Manchester United job and I will destroy Pepperoni Guardiola once and for all! I sent him running away to New York City once before and at least when I do it this time there is now a club there for him to coach. Please! For the love of god just let me be manager of Manchester United already!”

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