If it continued… (Barcelona v Real Madrid)

Real Madrid came from behind against Barcelona to win 2-1 despite Sergio Ramos getting sent off in the 83rd minute. The Clasico win changed very little in La Liga, as Barca maintain a six-point lead over Atletico Madrid and a seven-point lead over Real, but we still have to ask “What if it continued?”

97′ — Neymar finally looks up from his phone and says, “Wait, we started already?!”

101′ — Sitting alone in the dressing room, Sergio Ramos plans the route for the open-top bus parade to celebrate his 20th career sending off. He wonders if FIFA will officially change the name of the red card to “Ramos card” now. He gets a little misty eyed thinking back to when he would tell people how, one day, he would get sent off 20 times during his career as a professional footballer and they would all say “That’s crazy.” But now he’s done it. And no one can take that away from him.

108′ — No matter what direction Lionel Messi looks, all he sees is Keylor Navas.

112′ — Feeling helpless and alone, Xavi takes his frustration out on a small patch of improperly hydrated grass he set aside for this occasion.

115′ — Cristiano Ronaldo scores again, but the officials rule him so offside that both this goal and his previous one are disallowed. The Real Madrid players argue that this is not how the offside rule works, but the officials threaten to show them all Ramos cards for dissent if they don’t stop.

119′ — Thomas Vermaelen continues to do his usual amount of nothing.

123′ — Pepe wonders how he has made it this deep into the match without being shown a yellow card yet. Panic sets in as he decides the only possible explanation is that he somehow developed the power of invisibility and no one can see him. He goes up to the referee and shouts “I’m here! I’m right in front of you!” but the ref doesn’t react. Pepe weeps. And tries to headbutt every tear that rolls off his cheek.

126′ — Gareth Bale continues to look like a yoga instructor who glues bits of his students’ hair to his face in order to feel more deeply connected to them.

130′ — Cristiano Ronaldo makes all of his teammates promise not to take the post-match group photo until he’s had time to take off all his clothes.

134′ — Gerard Pique plans an entire week of “I scored on Keylor Navas and you didn’t” jokes to use on Messi, Neymar, and Luis Suarez.

140′ — The match is abandoned when Johan Cruyff’s voice booms down from the heavens to deliver a detailed criticism of Barcelona’s performance, making everyone feel uncomfortable.

5 comments

  1. Liz says:

    Even as a crushed Barca fan, I found this hilarious, especially the last one. If ever there was a time for the cliche “turning over in one’s grave” to come true, it was on Saturday at Camp Nou.

  2. Cathy says:

    The part about Pepe was hilarious. The part about Neymar was painful. I’m sure Gerard is walking around hiding a smug smile behind his beard. As a Barca fan, I am very disappointed. As a soccer fan, I feel bad for Gareth Bale. I can’t believe they called that goal back.

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