Cristiano Ronaldo announces dangerous levels of goals in his DNA

Cristiano Ronaldo scored all three goals as Real Madrid overturned a 2-0 first-leg deficit against Wolfsburg to advance to the Champions League semifinals. After proving his incredible talents yet again, Cristiano made a startling admission to the press.

From the Guardian:

“It was not the best, but one of my best, European nights. It’s not bad is it? Goals are in my DNA and I want to keep scoring them for the team.”

I have talked to a number of scientists and they all agree that goals should not be in human DNA, which is normally comprised solely of nucleotides. This leads me to believe that any amount of goals in the DNA is extremely dangerous and something that Ronaldo is actually overcoming to perform at such a high level, making his accomplishments all the more impressive.

In fact, all the scientists I spoke to were so confused by the claim that a person could have goals in their DNA that they asked if I had misunderstood what Ronaldo said. When I assured them that I absolutely did not, they all remained skeptical about the composition of Ronaldo’s DNA. That’s how rare this is.

Cristiano Ronaldo currently leads both La Liga and the Champions League in scoring this season. This is clearly just a cry for help from a man struggling with goals in his DNA. Maybe one day, scientists will stop doubting his claim and help him in his struggle with this condition.

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