Conspiracy Theory: Lionel Messi is paying Cristiano Jr. to troll his father

(Clive Brunskill/Getty Images)
(Clive Brunskill/Getty Images)
In an interview with Spanish TV show Jugones de la Sexta, Cristiano Ronaldo shared an anecdote about his son that, on it’s own, is amusing and unremarkable. But given the context of past events, it actually stands as evidence of a more sinister trend.

From The Mirror:

“Sometimes he comes at home and says ‘daddy Bale is faster than you’. And I say ‘what are you on about? No one is faster than your dad’.

“And he says ‘yes but at school they told me he is faster and in an interview Messi said that he’d like to have your right foot’. He comes up with these things and it gives me joy, he’s a kid.”

Now, Cristiano Jr. is only five years old. Most five year olds talk about what flavor glue tastes the best. They’re not following professional sports closely enough to discuss what Lionel Messi says in interviews or which players are faster than others, even if one of those players happens to be their classmate’s dad. No, this comment was clearly fed to Cristiano Jr. by someone older and the fact that this was done so he could relay this ego-tweaking opinion to his father in the run-up to the Champions League final is quite the coincidence.

This obvious attempt to destabilize Real Madrid by stoking the long rumored rivalry between Cristiano and Gareth Bale ahead of such an important match could only have been perpetrated by one person. A man who has been cleverly using Cristiano Jr. to toy with his father for some time now. And that man is Lionel Messi.

In isolation, that sounds insane. But consider the history of events here. First, there’s the multitude of evidence that Cristiano Jr. is more of a fan of Messi than of his own father. At the 2014 Ballon d’or Gala, where Ronaldo was the big winner, he had to watch his son giddily rush to meet Messi and explain that the boy watches videos of his rival on YouTube and frequently talks about him. Both of these points were later publicly confirmed when an Instagram post by Ronaldo’s mother showed Cristiano Jr. watching a Messi YouTube video on an iPad, followed by him entrapping her into stating that Messi has more Ballon d’Or awards than Ronaldo in front of a bank of news cameras at last October’s Golden Shoe ceremony. An event where Cristiano Jr. also gave his father the finger.

At the time, I suggested that this behavior and subtle subversion was down to Cristiano Jr. being on Messi’s payroll — a shrewd play at next-level mind games in the world’s most talked about rivalry that permits Messi to psychologically toy with his opponent while maintaining appearances of being above it all and not sullying his inoffensive image. It would also explain his alleged tax evasion and use of shell corporations as he tries to hide this shocking arrangement.

Of course, Messi likely isn’t dealing with Cristiano Jr. directly, which means there’s an older traitor within Ronaldo’s inner circle relaying Messi’s messages to the child and handling the money.

“People say Gareth Bale is faster than you, daddy. Lets watch videos of Messi. And, oh yeah, doesn’t he have more awards than you? Also, take a look at my middle finger while you accept the Golden Boot.” This is not the behavior of a footballer’s son. These are the duplicitous moves of a double agent acting at the behest of a nefarious force.

With a plot as extreme as this one, Messi’s ultimate goal can only be to drive Ronaldo to a complete mental breakdown that forces him out of football. This would allow the Argentine to play on in peace, without the media diminishing his childlike enjoyment of the game with their incessant desire to push a narrative of negativity between the two best footballers in the world.

Meanwhile, the fact that Cristiano Jr. can do all this so effortlessly proves that he’s the Lionel Messi of trolling one’s own parent. A natural talent.

2 comments

  1. Sandie Jalilu says:

    While your theory is mildly amusing, it’s not amusing, to me anyway, to use a child in the way the media and now you seem to be doing to make fun of their parents. Maybe it’a just cranky Friday and I’ve missed the point. Oh well, you can’t be funny 24/7…

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