Category: Spain

The two songs that have already ruined the 2018 World Cup

Old Bert’s ears are bleeding and this time it’s nothing to do with Big Sam convincing me to get a bulldog tattooed directly onto my skull. The World Cup is about to begin and that means every numpty on the planet has to release a song about it. They all make Harry Redknapp sound like Tom Jones, but two of these abominations of music are so bad that they already ruined the whole sodding tournament.

First there’s Real Madrid mixed martial artist Serbian Ramos wearing a shirt that says “Noble Donkey” while sounding like a noble arse after a dodgy paella.

He should stick to breaking people’s shoulders in cup finals and leave the singing to that ginger kid who looks like he’s homeless. At least we know Ramos hasn’t been spending any time with Gerald Pique’s missus.

Next there’s the singer out of Kaiser Chiefs and a muscular potato that used to play cricket ruining a disco classic by making it about Garry Kane.

After hearing this I hope Kane scores seven own goals in the group stage and catches a radioactive cockroach from Chernobyl in his uncloseable mouth. And I say that as someone with one cap for the England B team in 1984 resulting from a clerical error. I am England ’til I die. (Or until they correct that clerical error.)

There is no possible way the 2018 World Cup can recover from these audio horrors. The best thing to do now is call off the tournament and drink Russian vodka until we all vomit into a fish tank and cut off our ears like that one artist fella from 100 years ago.

Luis Suarez doesn’t want footballers talking about all the things he does to them on the pitch

Following a challenge that left his opponent with a bloody hole in his foot, Luis Suarez reportedly shouted “You dived, clown!” at Atletico Madrid’s Filipe Luis. Shortly after the match, Luis shared a photo of the damage Suarez did to his foot on Instagram, along with the caption “At least he didn’t touch me!”

Read more

Barcelona’s Douglas injures his butt while sleeping on bus

A day after it was reported that Barcelona defender Douglas initially refused to go on loan to Sporting Gijon, where he eventually ended up this season, it has now been revealed that his hesitancy to join the club was well founded. The seats on their team bus are a threat to his physical well being.

From AS:

According to Sporting physical trainer, Gerardo Ruiz, talking to sports radio show Onda Deportiva in Asturias, Douglas fell asleep on the bus in an uncomfortable position on the trip from GijĆ³n to Vigo (a four [hour] drive across northern Spain) and when he woke up he’d injured his backside (strictly one of his gluteal muscles).

Coincidentally, Sporting’s next match is against Barcelona, so Douglas will have an opportunity to beg his parent club to take him back to the comfort of their superior bus seats.

Qatar National Bank films Xavi’s ultimate fantasy

Noted opinion haver and Al Sadd midfielder Xavi is the star of a commercial for Qatar National Bank and I’m pretty sure he also served as creative director for the project because it depicts the scenario he has always dreamed of: Xavis everywhere.

The ad shows a football match between two teams entirely made up of Xavis, refereed by a Xavi, coached by Xavis, and watched by Xavis. The pitch is perfect. And since everyone in this world is a Xavi, there is universal appreciation for the style of play which Xavi believes is the correct way to play the game. There are no Jose Mourinhos, no pitches that are too wet or too dry ā€” it’s Xavi heaven.

Spain’s new coach fainted on television while covering the 2006 World Cup

Spain announced that Julen Lopetegui will replace Vicente Del Bosque as manager of the national team. Lopetegui isn’t the highest profile Spanish coach out there, but he led the nation’s U-19s to a European Championship in 2012 and the U-21s to a European Championship in 2013 before taking charge of Porto for two years.

This is an impressive rise for the former goalkeeper, who became something of a meme in Spain when he passed out on television 10 years ago while covering the 2006 World Cup. And if that’s what happens to him just when he’s talking about the World Cup, I hope the team’s physios are at his side come 2018.