Tag: Argentina

Maradona shows Messi what it takes to be a World Cup winner

Maybe if all that tattoo ink wasn’t weighing down your leg you could’ve put it past him, you elfin muppet.

Instead of waiting until the final, Theo Messi shat the bed right from the start in this World Cup by having a penalty saved by a part-time film director from Iceland. How a fucking super market keeps qualifying for these tournaments I will never know (shows just how corrupt FIFA really is)—but that’s besides the point. Argentina couldn’t beat Iceland and it was all Messi’s fault because Nonzalo Higuain was safely on the bench until the 84th minute.

Watching from the stands was another famous Argentine footballer: Maradona. Now, Maradona won back in my day, when footballers knew how to prepare themselves for competition. And by that I mean doing loads of cocaine before before every match.

Though he was too far away for Messi to see, Maradona tried to remind Messi of why he can’t get it done on the game’s biggest stage by rubbing at his nose like it was a sex organ. (Either that, or old Diego is still keeping himself “in shape.”)

If Messi got loaded up on Charlie before World Cup matches, he would’ve won at least a dozen of them trophies by now. Instead, he probably drinks wheat grass extract or something and look what it’s got him: absolutely nothing besides a record-breaking club career. Dandruff, who could very well be the oldest of my 18 kids, once tried to get me to drink something green. I haven’t spoken to him since. That was 12 years ago. Though our lack of communication is mostly down to him getting arrested for stealing cars and filling them with black market puppies shortly after the green drink incident. All my children know that I refuse to communicate with them while they’re incarcerated. I have a hunch it’s why they get locked up so much.

Anyways, Messi’s problems are nothing a little pre-match Maradona marching powder can’t fix. I hear one of the Peruvian lads might have a connection.

Fourth-division team arrive for Copa Argentina match wearing superhero masks, beat first-division team

Fourth-division team arrive for Copa Argentina match wearing superhero masks, beat first-division team

When you’re a fourth division club facing a top-flight side in a cup competition, it’s difficult to intimidate your opponents. So Sacachispas decided to go the other way with it and wear cheap Halloween masks onto the pitch for their Copa Argentina match against Arsenal de Sarandi then pose for their team photo like a bootleg Justice League.

After witnessing that display of insanity, Arsenal likely had a hard time taking their opponents seriously. So much so that the match ended up going to penalties, where Sacachispas won 6–5.

And that’s why they call it The Beautiful Game. I think.

Rosario Central fans throw dolls on pitch, forcing match to be halted

When football matches turn into horror movies

Lots of strange things have been thrown on the pitch during matches this season alone. Toy pigs, dead rats, a severed bull’s head—but the dozens of plastic dolls Rosario Central fans threw on the pitch during their match against Racing might be the creepiest yet.

Last week, Rosario Central beat their rivals, Newell’s Old Boys, in the Rosario derby. So in their next match, they decided to throw dolls dressed in Newell’s colors onto the pitch midway through the first half of their match against Racing. Because why not?

As a result, it looked like it was raining human babies. Naturally, match officials were forced to halt the match while the dolls were cleared off and everyone received mental health treatment for witnessing this unsettling display.

Anyway, this must have quadrupled the sales of Argentina’s Creepy Generic Baby Doll Company. Congrats to them.

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Estudiantes manager tears off his shirt after getting sent off

A thoroughly impressive managerial freakout

Estudiantes manager Nelson Vivas completely lost his shit after getting sent off in the first half of a match against former club Boca Juniors. After a brief, yet animated discussion with the official, Vivas tore open his shirt in a fit of rage, then kicked off his shoe, and pulled off his now buttonless shirt as he walked away.

As he headed down the tunnel, he gave the TV camera a good look at his fully tattooed back, too.

Vivas played for Arsenal, so maybe he’s still upset about the north London derby, but whatever set him off, we can only hope he didn’t stop walking until he reached an anger management class.

Supercopa Argentina man of the match awarded grill and apron

Not the prize one expects to receive after scoring against River Plate


Lanus beat River Plate 3–0 in the Supercopa Argentina on Saturday and Lautaro Acosta was named man of the match for scoring the first goal. His prize for claiming this honor: a grill and an apron.

You see, Burger King was the sponsor of the match, so instead of giving him a bunch of burgers, they apparently decided that after working so hard during the game, he should work some more and make his own damn burgers.

As strange as it is, it’s still better than the thing the Premier League started handing out this season.



International football isn’t worth the heartache for Lionel Messi

It’s time for Messi to move on—once and for all

(Twitter/MessiWorld)

At this point in time it has become abundantly clear that the sole purpose of Argentina’s national team is to make Lionel Messi’s life a living hell. There is no other possible explanation for the Mr. Hyde cup final performances of Gonzalo Higuain and how a team packed with so much talent can so often look like a group of tourists waiting for the Messi train to carry them to the casino buffet.

The latest indignity for Albiceleste Messi is a 3–0 loss to Brazil that leaves Argentina sitting sixth in CONMEBOL World Cup qualifying, with three losses after 11 matches and needing to climb the table in order to make it to Russia 2018.

After the match, Messi said (via FIFA.com):

“We didn’t expect this result,” rued Messi. “They were really tough opponents, but we expected a little more from ourselves. I think that, until the first goal, it was very balanced, but after the second they killed the game off. At 1–0 we were fine, it was even, but we didn’t know how to react [to that second goal].

“Now it’s a lot more complicated. We have to think about Colombia knowing that we have to improve greatly. We can’t afford to have one more match playing like we’ve been playing, because we won’t get out of this situation in this way.”

Perhaps this is a cosmic counterbalance to the fairytale existence he enjoys in Barcelona (tax issues aside), where he’s won everything possible several times over while surrounded by players who have done their share to accomplish this. But you have to wonder if Messi is starting to regret ending his 46-day international retirement after losing a third major cup final in as many years over the summer for a resumption of this anguish.

Of course, finally winning the World Cup for his country in 2018 would more than make up for all the pain he’s endured throughout his international career, but the team is struggling to even qualify for the tournament. And if they do qualify, they’ll probably make it all the way to final only to squander it late again, driving their captain over the brink of irreversible madness and prompting him to begin a new life as a Legoland ride operator named Tobias Jensen.

Messi doesn’t need this. He could be doing enjoyable things during international breaks—like spending time with his family, experimenting with his hair color, or tattooing and re-tattooing his left leg.

Instead, he had to endure a loss to Brazil in which Barcelona teammate Neymar became the youngest South American to score 50 international goals (Messi has 56 with 40 more caps). Well, enough is enough.

Messi should call it a day, maybe do a Didier Drogba and build a few hospitals in Argentina so his countrymen can’t say he never did anything for them, and focus solely on more rewarding past-times like thoroughly annoying Cristiano Ronaldo at the club level for the remainder of his playing career. It’s time.

That said, if he were to follow this advice, Argentina would almost certainly go on to win every trophy available to them over the next 10 years behind the steady leadership and timely finishing of Gonzalo Higuain in his absence, because life is cruel. Even to Lionel Messi.