Tag: Juventus

If it continued… (Juventus v Real Madrid)

What would’ve happened if the Champions League final didn’t stop when it did

(Real Madrid/Twitter)

Real Madrid became the first club to win 12 European Cups and win the Champions League in consecutive seasons, and they did it in convincing fashion, beating Juventus 4–1. The Italian side got off to a solid start and even produced a spectacular equalizer from Mario Mandzukic after Cristiano Ronaldo scored the first of his two goals. But shortly after the hour mark, Real Madrid scored twice in a span of three minutes. Then, in the 83rd minute, Juan Cuadrado became the first substitute to be sent off in a Champions League final before Real Madrid scored one final goal for good measure.

Though the second half was anti-climactic, we still have to ask “What if it continued?”

97’—Cristiano Ronaldo gets into an argument with Real Madrid’s two-goal hero Dee Flection, whom Ronaldo feels is overshadowing him. Flection threatens to go to Barcelona next season and take his close friend Off Sidé will him.

101’—Zlatan Ibrahimovic appears out of nowhere to score a scorpion kick goal from the halfway line just to show Mario Mandzukic who the king of wonder goals really is. The match officials decide the goal is too good to disallow, so they count it for both sides. Juventus 2–5 Real Madrid.

103’—Gonzalo Higuain continues to do nothing.

104’—Luka Modric continues to do everything.

105’—The familiar feeling that he will never win the Champions League overcomes Gigi Buffon, but then he remembers that he’s won eight Serie A titles (10 if you count the two that were revoked), four Coppa Italia titles, one UEFA Cup, and one WORLD FREAKING CUP. He also remembers that he could play for another 25 years if he wants, and saving a penalty from Cristiano Ronaldo’s son in the 2033 Champions League final will be sweet revenge. Sweet revenge, indeed.

108'—Keylor Navas checks over his shoulder for his own personal boogeyman: David De Gea. He is convinced that if he looks in a mirror and says De Gea’s name five times, the Spaniard will take his job. He is also convinced that if he doesn’t look in a mirror and say De Gea’s name five times, the Spaniard will take his job.

111' — During a brief stoppage in play, Zidane wins the World Series, Dakar Rally, and the WWE Intercontinental Championship belt.

113'—Alvaro Morata checks to make sure no one can see that he’s wearing his Juventus kit underneath his Real Madrid one just incase his former club win the match.

116'—Gonzalo Higuain continues to do nothing.

117'—Luka Modric continues to do everything.

120'—Somehow still on the pitch after getting booked in the first half, Sergio Ramos gets Leonardo Bonucci sent off by punching himself in the head and claiming that Bonucci used telepathic powers to make him do it.

121'—Leonardo Bonucci’s Torino supporting son laughs maniacally.

124'—Sergio Ramos scores by heading in a corner kick just to stay on brand. He then celebrates by putting on an “SR4” crown that he made himself after a particularly inspiring trip to Burger King. Juventus 2–6 Real Madrid.

131'—Realizing that he should do something for the club that spent €90 million on him last summer, Higuain eats Luka Modric whole. Modric lives comfortably inside of Higuain for the duration of the offseason.

133'—Zidane wins the World Chess Championship, the Academy Award for Best Picture, and the Iowa State Fair pie eating contest.

134'—Gareth Bale injures himself adjusting his hair.

136'—Jose Mourinho begins to write a preliminary list of insults for Zidane and Cristiano Ronaldo in preparation for the UEFA Super Cup match between Man United and Real Madrid. He decides that say he would rather win the Europa League once than win the Champions League twice in a row would sufficiently melt their brains enough so Man United can win.

140'—The match is abandoned when opening ceremony performers the Black Eyed Peas reappear, this time with a midriff-bearing Sir Alex Ferguson replacing former member Stacy Ferguson on the song “My Humps,” driving everyone out of the stadium.

The inevitabilities that led to Real Madrid winning the Champions League (again)

Sometimes life is intensely predictable. This was one of those times.

Real Madrid/Twitter

For the first time ever, the Champions League has been won by the same team two seasons in a row and, of course, it was Real Madrid that did it. What looked to be an evenly matched final at the start turned into a merciless drubbing as Real beat Juventus 4–1, topping Barcelona’s 3–1 win over Juve in the 2015 final in the process. Now, Real Madrid have won the competition 12 times, including three in the last four years.

This seemingly inevitable result was made possible by a bunch of smaller inevitabilities coming true throughout the match. It started with Cristiano Ronaldo scoring the match’s first goal, giving him yet another Champions League record by becoming the first player to score in three different finals. But taking a step back, the mere fact that Real Madrid scored in the match was an inevitability, even against the likes of Gigi Buffon and Juve’s stellar defenders. Real scored in every single match this season. Every single one! That’s an incredible feat that will likely get lost in everything else Los Blancos accomplished this season.

Mario Mandzukic’s equalizer was anything but inevitable, but it still might be used to justify Real Madrid’s bid for David De Gea before the match (De Gea is three inches taller than Keylor Navas and probably would’ve pushed the shot over the crossbar, as a result).

Inevitable: Cristiano Ronaldo immediately trying to top Mandzukic after having his thunder stolen.

However, he did go on to score a second goal in the second half to finish off the match and put him ahead of Leo Messi as the Champions League’s top scorer for the fifth year in a row.

Inevitable: Sergio Ramos getting booked in the 31st minute for a dumb foul. Shyamalan Twist: Sergio Ramos getting someone who is not Sergio Ramos (Juan Cuadrado) sent off in the 84th minute. It turns out you can teach old Ramoses new tricks. And what he did to get Cuadrado sent off certainly was a trick.

Inevitable: The Gonzalo Higuain Cup Final Curse continues, as the striker Juve paid €90 million for last summer once again came up small on the biggest stage. You know Messi was watching this match somewhere, staring at Higuain with a white-knuckled fist and muttering “You better not score, you better not score, you better not score” the whole time. At this point, starting Higuain in a cup final should be considered match fixing.

Inevitable: Gianluigi Buffon failing to win the Champions League. It’s the one trophy that has eluded him over his long and storied career. This might have been his last chance to claim it, but that was said back in 2015, too.

Inevitable: Zidane continuing his managerial dominance. In just 18 months as manager of Real Madrid, he’s won two Champions League titles, La Liga, and the Club World Cup. And to think that before he was given the job, Rafa Benitez as in charge of this team as they were getting disqualified from the Copa del Rey for fielding ineligible players. UEFA needs to investigate Zidane for illegal use of wizardry.

And finally, the greatest inevitability of all, Cristiano Ronaldo’s victory cry:

When Real Madrid ask a question of the universe, the answer is always “SIIIIIIIIIIII!”

Sergio Ramos’ 2017 Champions League final preview

Real Madrid v Juventus, according to The Ramos

Ahoy-hoy! The Champions League final is always a special occasion and this year is no different. After all, it’s in Wales, the English city where Gareth Bale was born, and the Black Eyed Peas are performing during the opening ceremony, so you know it’s a truly important occasion.

We will face a worthy opponent in Juventus as we pursue a 12th European Cup and anything can happen. Will I score a late winner or will I get sent off or will I do both? Even I don’t know! But here are some things that I do know…

Who will be there

Gianluigi Buffon: Juve’s goalkeeper is a true legend and if it comes down to penalties, I definitely won’t attempt a Panenka. Instead, I will trick him by kicking the ball into outer space. He’ll never see it coming!

Dani Alves: When Dani played for Barcelona, we didn’t get along too well. But now that he left AND knocked them out of the Champions League, I consider him my best friend.

Gonzalo Higuain: I heard he has put on some weight since he left Real Madrid, but I had no idea it was this drastic. Poor Gonzalo.

Juventus/Twitter

Me: Haha I wouldn’t miss a Black Eyed Peas performance for anything! “Boom Boom Pow” is a true masterpiece.

Cristiano Ronaldo: If Cristiano gets injured the match, he’s going to sit on Zidane’s shoulders and form MegaRon-Z, the greatest coaching force the world has ever seen.

Keylor Navas: Real Madrid’s pursuit of David De Gea just before the biggest match of our season will mentally unsettle Keylor just enough to ensure true excitement! And if that doesn’t do it, Alvaro Morata’s airport tackles definitely will.

Who won’t be there

I invited Gerard Pique to the match, but he hasn’t answered because he’s too busy taking classes at Harvard to relearn how to win La Liga to attend.

The teams

Real Madrid: We won the Champions League last season (and 10 times before that) and La Liga this season, plus we scored in every single match. Cristiano told me to mention his name at least three times in this preview, so I will also say this: Cristiano Ronaldo.

Juventus: They have been champions of Italy roughly 378 times in a row, but they haven’t won the Champions League since 1996, when I was 10 years old! I’m 31 now, because my birthday was on March 30. Happy birthday to me! I’ll take another Champions League trophy as my present, please haha!

When to watch

After the Black Eyed Peas performance, you can go do other things until the 90th minute, because that’s when Ramos Time begins. Until then, nothing of interest is likely to happen. Higuain will miss some shots, Cristiano will put his hands on his hips, Massimiliano Allegri will smile in a way that looks like someone is squeezing his balls too tight. But once injury time begins, I will come alive like a children’s toy that turns on in the night without anyone touching it. Maybe there will be extra time, maybe there won’t. I am sure of one thing, though: Gerard Pique and his Twitter fingers will fail that Harvard class just like they failed in La Liga and the Champions League this season.

Predictions

Here’s Cristiano’s prediction:

“Too much humility isn’t good, we have to prove our character and who is the best.

“They are an excellent team but so are we. I have the feeling that we are going to play a great game and we are going to win.”

And here’s mine:

“With the Black Eyed Peas performing, we’re all winners!”

Dirty Tackle podcast

Paulo Dybala is trying to improve his right foot by using it to write

An unusual training technique from one of the game’s best young players

Juventus/Twitter

Paulo Dybala has already proven himself to be one of the best young players in the world, but that isn’t stopping him from improving his game further. Albeit in a strange way.

In an effort to develop his skills with his right foot, Dybala has started using it like a hand. From Football Italia:

“I’m left-handed, I even brush my teeth with my left hand,” Dybala explained to Il Venerdì.

“I take a pen every day and I try to write, but with my right foot, I put it between my big toe and the little one.

“I work like a crazy person to have more sensitivity and ability. Not just that, I also train with my eyes; to see further, in different directions, to anticipate my opponents and see trajectories.”

By “the little one” does he mean the pinky toe? Because I’m not even sure how you hold a pen between your big toe and pinky toe, let alone write that way. Also, I’m hoping his way of working on his right foot and his eyesight at the same time is to feed himself a crapton of carrots using his foot.

I’m pretty sure these training techniques were suggested to him by Dani Alves as a joke and Dybala was just too respectful to question them.

Anyway, I don’t think I want Paulo Dybala’s autograph anymore.

Dirty Tackle podcast

Gianluigi Buffon should be forced to play with a blindfold on

He might be getting on in years, but he’s still too damn good

Fairness and sportsmanship are the foundation of honest competition at all levels. With this in mind, UEFA must require Juventus goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon to play all matches while wearing a blindfold in the name leveling the playing field for the poor souls who must face him.

With Juve’s 2–0 win at Monaco in the first leg of the Champions League semifinal, Buffon now has 60 clean sheets in 100 career Champions League appearances. He hasn’t conceded a single goal from open play in the Champions League this season. And Juve haven’t conceded a Champions League goal of any kind in 621 minutes and counting. Again, they’re not doing this in a hastily arranged tournament against their younger cousins at a family reunion—this is the Champions League. Juventus are facing the best of the best, and still Buffon is allowing less people to score than the Pope at an orgy for divorcees who are into butt stuff.

Breaking down Gigi Buffon’s game-changing save against Andrés Iniesta

People often say that Lionel Messi is from another planet—his talent far beyond that of a mere mortal. And yet, he has never once scored against Buffon, even as the Italian keeper nears his 40th birthday. If Messi can’t even score against Buffon, how could anyone else hope to do so?

Clearly something needs to be done and eliminating Buffon’s ability to see anything around him during matches is a start. Then again, it’s extremely possible that he has a Jedi-like spatial perception that allows him to react to shots on goal without using his eyes. In this case, UEFA should force him to get blackout drunk just before kickoff. It’s the only way.

Even more astonishing than his unparalleled talent, however, is the fact that Buffon has never won the Champions League in his long and successful career. Perhaps this is evidence of Buffon’s charitable side. “I’ll take the World Cup, seven Serie A titles, a Serie B title just for giggles, and three Coppa Italia trophies, and leave the Champions League to the rest of you jabronis for a while.”

But with the team Juventus have assembled in front of him, this seems very likely to end soon. After the first leg in Monaco, Buffon commented to Juventus’ official website about this quality and shared some insight into his thoughts on retirement, which probably won’t come until he’s 112 years old and only recording a clean sheet 59 out of every 100 Champions League appearances.

“My objective is for people to think it’s a shame when I retire. That’s why I’m still working so hard. Obviously it helps to play for a team like this, because it makes me happy and there’s nothing better than working in such a positive environment.”

At this rate, his opponents aren’t going to think “what a shame” when he retires, though. They’re going to think, “Thank the merciful lord he’s finally gone” and “What did any of us ever do to deserve the torment of facing him for so long?!”

Messi bleeds, Neymar cries, and Juventus prove their superiority over Barcelona

It wasn’t quite revenge for the 2015 Champions League final, but it was impressive

After losing the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal against Juventus 3–0, Barcelona needed to repeat their dramatic comeback against PSG in the previous round. “If we score the first goal, the second will be scored by the Nou Camp and the third will come by itself,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique before the match. “Our objective is to score five goals."

Instead, they scored exactly zero goals. Juventus didn’t score, either, but they didn’t need to. Leo Messi landed on his head during the first half, opening up a cut on his cheek that made it look like he was crying blood, and that summed up his night.

And after the final whistle, Neymar cried actual tears, prompting former teammate Dani Alves to console him.

Maybe Barcelona used up all their magic in the previous round, but this was a performance very unlike them. They had 19 shots, but only one on target in the second leg. They were wasteful in front of goal, which is the one thing you absolutely cannot be when facing the likes of Gigi Buffon, Giorgio Chiellini, and Leonardo Bonucci. But saying that shouldn’t take away from Juve’s performance over the two legs. They jumped out in front by a healthy margin, then prevented themselves from repeating what happened to PSG.

Juve are a formidable side that are definitely capable of lifting the cup at the end of this. That is, of course, if Gonzalo Higuain doesn’t ruin it for them, as he has ruined so many cup finals before. Perhaps Messi would’ve warned them of this had they not dropped him on his head.

Juventus

Juventus pay for fan to get tattoo of new logo after he got the old one just before the change

I’m not convinced this makes the situation better


Juventus’ soulless new logo didn’t get the best reception when it was unveiled back in January, but one fan had reason to hate it more than everyone else. You see, about a week before Juventus unveiled the new logo, the shirtless man pictured above got a tattoo of the old crest on his back.


This should’ve been enough to turn him into a Torino supporter on the spot, but he was apparently willing to let Juve tattoo their new logo on his arm. The offer of a free tattoo was extended to two other fans who have the old crest on their bodies, as well.

No one seemed too thrilled with the results.


“Is this it? It’s done? You’re sure?”


That’s a guy who promised himself he’d never turn down a free tattoo, but when he saw what they’d be putting on him, he said, “Do it here, on my upper thigh, where no one will ever see it.”

I feel bad for everyone involved in this.


Juventus’ new logo is a soulless abomination of corporatized football

This is what you get when you let focus groups dictate your identity

(Juventus)

Rarely do fans ever like even the smallest of changes to their favorite club’s badge, so it should come as no surprise that the reaction to Juventus’ new logo has been less than glowing. What is surprising, however, is just how different it is.

Juve’s crests from 1897 to now

The new logo—and it’s important to note that it’s being called a logo, rather than a badge, crest, or anything else that traditionally represents a football club rather than a corporation—boils down elements from previous badges to a minimalistic remnant so subtle that you need to analyze it like the Zapruder film to identify them.

From Juventus’ announcement of the new identity:

Juventus’ objective is to grow in terms of presence and influence and to expand the business side of the club through a series of radically innovative initiatives, targeting both Bianconeri fans all over the world and those with less of an interest in football.

Black and White and More represents the start of a host of events relating to the Academy, immersive retail formats and a range of unique physical and digital products and services.

Translation: Juve would rather be Berkshire Hathaway than a football club. Sure, that might make sense for a traditional business. But business conglomerates don’t have fans. What Juve seem to be forgetting is that the reason people give them money is because those people have formed a personal relationship with the club. If they alienate themselves from those people in an attempt to become everything to everyone, they risk becoming nothing to anyone.

The transformation also encompasses a brand-new visual identity. The result of a bold, uncompromising approach, the new visual identity turns the sport’s traditional style on its head and sets about blazing a new trail.

A blazing new trail of unidentifiable blandness.

It is an iconic, simple design centred around sharp lines and will surely steal the spotlight no matter where it is used. The design brings to mind a famous line from Gianni Agnelli: “I get excited every time I see a word beginning with J in the papers.”

So they’ve made the new logo two J’s having sex?

“No club in Europe has so far been able to transcend sport and convey the philosophy behind that,” explains Manfredi Ricca, Chief Strategy Officer for EMEA & LatAm at Interbrand, who teamed up with Juventus to develop the identity and concept of Black and White and More.

“If there is one club capable of taking that step, it’s Juventus — the brand is synonymous with ambition and excellence and these are principles that can inspire truly unique experiences. The new visual identity has been designed to boldly take the club’s spirit into new, unexpected realms.”

Like the bargain bin at a discount store?

Here’s how the logo will look on Juve’s kits next season (viewed through the gun-barrel opening of a James Bond film?)…

And here’s how the general public views it:

New, unexpected realms, indeed.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Paul Pogba is trolling the world about his potential Man United move

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