Tag: Maradona

Maradona shows Messi what it takes to be a World Cup winner

Maybe if all that tattoo ink wasn’t weighing down your leg you could’ve put it past him, you elfin muppet.

Instead of waiting until the final, Theo Messi shat the bed right from the start in this World Cup by having a penalty saved by a part-time film director from Iceland. How a fucking super market keeps qualifying for these tournaments I will never know (shows just how corrupt FIFA really is)—but that’s besides the point. Argentina couldn’t beat Iceland and it was all Messi’s fault because Nonzalo Higuain was safely on the bench until the 84th minute.

Watching from the stands was another famous Argentine footballer: Maradona. Now, Maradona won back in my day, when footballers knew how to prepare themselves for competition. And by that I mean doing loads of cocaine before before every match.

Though he was too far away for Messi to see, Maradona tried to remind Messi of why he can’t get it done on the game’s biggest stage by rubbing at his nose like it was a sex organ. (Either that, or old Diego is still keeping himself “in shape.”)

If Messi got loaded up on Charlie before World Cup matches, he would’ve won at least a dozen of them trophies by now. Instead, he probably drinks wheat grass extract or something and look what it’s got him: absolutely nothing besides a record-breaking club career. Dandruff, who could very well be the oldest of my 18 kids, once tried to get me to drink something green. I haven’t spoken to him since. That was 12 years ago. Though our lack of communication is mostly down to him getting arrested for stealing cars and filling them with black market puppies shortly after the green drink incident. All my children know that I refuse to communicate with them while they’re incarcerated. I have a hunch it’s why they get locked up so much.

Anyways, Messi’s problems are nothing a little pre-match Maradona marching powder can’t fix. I hear one of the Peruvian lads might have a connection.

Maradona invited to speak at Harvard (seriously)

Bringing a new meaning to “higher education”


Diego Maradona shared a letter from Harvard University on his Facebook account, inviting him to speak to a class called “The Global Game: Soccer, Politics and Popular Culture.” It appears to be genuine. And if his “Nice to go to Harvard” comment is any indication, he seems interested in doing .

The letter was written by Mariano Siskind, chair of the department of romance languages and literatures. It reads:

Dear Mr. Maradona,

We would like to invite you to give a talk at Harvard University in the context of the course “ROM-STD 109: The Global Game. Soccer, Politics and Popular Culture”, which is being offered during the Spring semester of 2017. Your presence at Harvard would constitute a formidable opportunity for our students and for the entire academic community to learn about the life and feats of the best player in history, and will serve as the most perfect supplement to our lectures on the history, sociology and aesthetics of soccer.

We hope to be able to arrange a date for your visit between mid-February and late April, but we are open to considering other dates if you are busy over the next three months.

We look forward to your visit, and if you need any additional information or documentation, please do not hesitate to let us know.

Yours sincerely,

Mariano Siskind
Professor of Romance Languages and Literatures and Comparative Literature
Chair, Department of Romances Languages and Literatures
Harvard University

So what can the academic community at Harvard look forward to hearing in a talk from Maradona? Here are some potential topics:

  • Lionel Messi is both a gift from heaven and massively overrated
  • Pele is a delusional old fart
  • Cocaine: Does anyone here have some?
  • The divine intervention of hands
  • Mauro Icardi is a traitor and he will pay for what he did to Maxi Lopez
  • Speaking of paying—taxes are stupid
  • How to get invited to speak at Harvard even after being filmed allegedly committing domestic violence

A blond-streaked Maradona previously spoke at the University of Oxford in 1995, two years before he retired from football. Here’s video from that surreal occasion:


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Unintentional burns with Lionel Messi

When asked about his relationship with Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi revealed that the two haven’t spoken since professional circumstances last required them to. But he said this in an interesting way.

From ESPNFC:

“We haven’t spoken in a long time, since the World Cup [2010] we may have crossed paths once or twice,” Messi said in Spanish on Egyptian TV. “He has his life, his things and I have mine. We haven’t spoken at all. Considering that we don’t speak to each other, I have a great relationship with him.”

Though almost certainly unintentional, that last sentence is a pretty wicked burn and amusing coming from someone like Messi, who is almost superhumanly inoffensive. It also got me thinking about some other unintentional burns Messi might say. Here are a few…

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Carlos Tevez returns to Boca Juniors, is happy he doesn’t have to speak English or Italian anymore

Carlos Tevez was unveiled before a huge crowd at La Bombonera as he made his return to his first club, Boca Juniors. In the 11 years since Tevez left he has played in Brazil, England, and Italy, and developed a reputation for an unwillingness to learn the local languages along the way (which resulted in him ignoring letters from the police). But now that Tevez is back to plying his trade in Argentina, he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore and he couldn’t be happier.

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DTotD: Maradona kicks his grandson

Six-year-old Benjamin Aguero, son of Man City striker Sergio, knocked down Grandpa Maradona’s shot in a little game of backyard one-v-one and then tried to show the old man how it’s done. But Maradona doesn’t believe in going easy on the opposition, even when the opposition is his six-year-old grandson.

So when the kid tried to cut past the portly 54-year-old World Cup winner, Maradona kicked him in the leg and brought him down. But Benjamin quickly popped right back up, leaving Grandpa Maradona in his dust before getting past the last man dog and scoring with a tidy finish.

And that’s why Benjamin isn’t getting any Christmas presents from his grandfather this year.

This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.