To whom it may concern,
I am Xavi, self-appointed Imperial Defender of Pitch Sanctity for FIFA. I am writing this letter to command you to stop desecrating football pitches with your hideously excessive markings and grass murdering behemoths AT ONCE! Though I do not have legal authority over your organization, I do have moral authority over all sporting entities, as decreed by my lifelong affiliation with the ultimate arbiter of all that is good and just, FC Barcelona, and that is much better. Given this, you must respect my command or face the swift and merciless punishment of knowing that I, Xavi, self-appointed Imperial Defender of Pitch Sanctity for FIFA, am dissatisfied.
Though I do not sully my vision by watching English football, I was informed by my dear friend and brother in arms against pitch desecration, Pep Guardiola, of what your brutish spectacle did to the Wembley playing surface. This is wholly unacceptable. Why must you do these things? Are you hoping that all the lines and numbers will distract spectators from the constant stoppages between padded giants bashing into each other? Do you not hear the ghost of Bojan Krkic cry out an agony each time a patch of canvas for passing artistry is pummeled into rotten muck? Are you so insecure that you must emblazon your crest across the center of everything that is good and pure? Does Jose Mourinho put you up to this?! In the name of Deco, I demand answers!
It is far too late to rectify this atrocity, but there are several things you can do in effort to atone for your crimes:
-Personally apologize to me for forcing me to take time out from my busy schedule of counting my Qatari lottery winnings to write this letter.
-Personally apologize to Pep Guardiola for forcing him to express his unparalleled and underappreciated genius on a tragically brutalized surface.
-Establish a charitable organization that teaches children not to paint large numbers on the ground.
-Visit Qatar—it is a magical place that I would probably still endorse even if they weren’t paying me to do so in this letter.
-Plant grass seeds anywhere there is a child with a dream to pass a ball thousands and thousands of times.
-Punch Jose Mourinho in the face.
Complete all of these tasks and I may be willing to remove your organization from my List of Pitch Defilers Who I Will Never Forgive. If you do not complete these tasks, I will continue to write you strongly worded letters until you either see the error of your ways or simply throw them out without reading them. And that’s more than a promise.
Threateningly yours,
Xavi
Self-appointed Imperial Defender of Pitch Sanctity for FIFA
P.S. Seriously, you should visit Qatar. It has a trampoline park and everything.
