Like Frankenstein’s Monster, but better at scoring acrobatic goals
Getting injured last season appears to have taught Zlatan Ibrahimovic that his body is imperfect. So Zlatan has apparently been busy building a new version of himself. One that can’t get injured. One that will rule the world for an eternity. One that will haunt your dreams.
Zlatan unveiled the floating, Hellraiser-esque head of the new Zlatan on Instagram, proclaiming that “The symbol of Sweden is almost done.”
What to listen to when you want to pretend you’re working out like Zlatan Ibrahimovic
(A-Z Sportswear)
Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s A-Z Sportswear has shared “Zlatan’s mental muscle playlist” filled with songs handpicked by the man himself. Highlights include LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” (this one’s for you, Tyrone Mings), the theme song from Cops, Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby,” and a remix of the dramatic reading of Sweden’s national anthem that Zlatan did for a car commercial. Because the only thing that can truly pump up Zlatan is a bit of Zlatan.
Zlatan once again proves that he is football’s greatest philanthropist
(Zlatan Ibrahimovic/Instagram)
It’s been a difficult period for Manchester United since Sir Alex Ferguson’s retirement as Premier League champion in 2013. They’re now on their third manager in four years and finished fifth in the league last season, missing out on Champions League qualification. Despite these uncertain times, Zlatan Ibrahimovic still demonstrated his unparalleled generosity by signing with the club on a free transfer last summer.
At 35 years old, Zlatan only has precious few years left as a footballer. Still at the top of his game, he could’ve gone anywhere he desired to enjoy his remaining years and carry on his pursuit of an elusive Champions League title after stockpiling trophies and scoring a career high 50 goals with PSG last season. And yet, he chose to forego his Champions League dream and look past his dim view of English football to try and resurrect Man United in their time of despair.
Zlatan’s efforts in this charitable pursuit have been tireless. Though Man United are still just sixth in the Premier League (one man can only do so much—even if that one man is Zlatan), Zlatan leads the team with 26 goals while already racking up a team high 38 appearances (again, he’s 35). Two of those goals came in the EFL Cup final, where Zlatan squashed a valiant two-goal comeback from Southampton to win 3–2, giving the League Cup to Man United for the first time in seven years despite his teammates’ inability to properly support him.
After the match, Zlatan reminded Paul Pogba and the rest of the world that he joined the beleaguered club on a free transfer. So that his gift to the club would not go unnoticed.
Paul Pogba "That's why we bought him" Zlatan "Bought me? I came for free. They bought you" ??? pic.twitter.com/GVFq1sD6NG
Even Jose Mourinho—someone who would take credit for yeast causing bread to rise—said that Zlatan was difference in the match. He told Sky Sports (via ESPNFC):
“I think, honestly, he won the game for us.
“He was outstanding in a match where our opponent was better than us for long periods of the game. I think they deserved to go to extra time.”
While there are many footballers who donate both their time and portions of their considerable wealth to many noble causes around the world, Zlatan has taken on the most difficult act of selflessness of all: overcoming the past embarrassments of David Moyes and Louis van Gaal, and the continually awkward presence of the likes of Wayne Rooney and Marouane Fellaini to restore one of the planet’s richest football clubs to their former glory. And his supreme altruism is already bearing fruit that he so honorably shares with those who would only toil in misery without him.
There’s no “I” in “team,” but there is a “Z” in “amazing.”
If there was a giant hornet’s nest coming straight for you at 100 mph, would you stick your foot in it? No. If you are a sane person, you would get out of its way and be thankful that you narrowly avoided disaster.
Well, West Ham goalkeeper Adrian is not a sane person. With the giant hornet’s nest that is Zlatan Ibrahimovic coming at him, he planted his studs right in Zlatan’s kneecap like a person who does not value their life whatsoever.
But did Zlatan grind Adrian into a fine powder and sprinkle him atop a latte right then and there? No. While Zlatan is most definitely a vengeful god, he is also a patient one. He waits for the right moment to strike in order to inflict maximum devastation. This is what he did to Adrian.
With Man United up 3–1 deep into injury time, Zlatan scored his second goal of the night, then stood over Adrian’s downed carcass with his arms held aloft, reveling in the crowd’s adulation that stung Adrian all over like a thousand hornets.
It’s been a trying start to Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s time with Manchester United. He endured his longest goal drought since 2006 and Jose Mourinho has struggled to pull the club above the middle of the table. It seems all this has taken a mental toll on Zlatan, as evidenced by his interview in the December issue of Inside United magazine.
In that interview, Zlatan says:
“I heard a lot of things that the city is this, the city is that, the weather is like this and the weather is like that but, so far, everything has been good. The city is the best city so far.”
Two things:
It’s only early November. The weather will get worse.
Even people from Manchester might be surprised to see someone who has played and lived in the likes of Amsterdam, Turin, Milan, Barcelona, and Paris say that. It might sound like pandering given that he told this to the club’s official magazine, but the rest of the quote reveals a deeper issue might be at play.
“I come from Sweden, I don’t have big expectations when it comes to… how do you say it… outside football. I’m pretty simple, I’m a family guy. For me, they come in the first phase, the rest is less important. For example, when I was living in Paris, in four years I didn’t go to see the Eiffel Tower once — I wanted them to change the Eiffel for my statue but they didn’t do it! Maybe if they do it now, I will go to visit!” [Smiles]
Perhaps Zlatan’s extreme lack of awareness of his immediate surroundings impeded him from fully appreciating all that the other cities he’s played in have to offer. Or maybe he’s already taken one too many Marouane Fellaini elbows to the head during training.
An unidentified man came out of the stands and onto the pitch in the 67th minute of Man United 1-0 Europa League win against Zorya. The man wore a full Manchester United kit to try and blend in with the players, but his touches of the ball quickly betrayed that image. Astonishingly, he was still allowed to run around until the end of the match.
After the final whistle, goal scorer Zlatan Ibrahimovic let the clearly envious man touch his hair.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic has apparently become so powerful that he is multiplying. One member of his secret army of clones escaped the containment facility and invaded the pitch during Man United’s match against Leicester in an attempt to unite with Original Zlatan and form a unified Mega Zlatan. Though stewards thwarted his efforts, Original Zlatan was amused by the sight of the man, but clearly wanted him to get lost so as not to ruin their plan for world domination.
With Pep Guardiola’s move to Manchester City to resume his eternal battle with Jose Mourinho, Catalan football satire show Crackovia is producing a series about the two rivals as they now share a city. The first episode spoofs the popular Man City YouTube video that had Guardiola sharing a cab with a young ginger fan and features a depiction of Zlatan Ibrahimovic as a Frankenstein’s Monster type character who can only say “Zlatan.”
When two superstars with giant personalities are brought together in a new team, there are always concerns about how they will get along both on and off the pitch. Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Paul Pogba have been quick to dispel these concerns at Man United, though. And they’ve already established themselves as football’s greatest comedy team.
Proving that his goal in the Community Shield was just him getting warmed up, Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored on his Premier League debut to help Man United to a 3-1 win over Bournemouth.
