Norwegian satirical news show 5080 put together a report on “the most realistic football game ever” FIFA 2022: Qatar World Cup edition. “FIFA 2022 will feature corrupt officials and construction workers enduring life-threatening conditions while living like serfs under the Qatari emir,” they say.
The report also features game footage, including new elements like rehydrating before succumbing to heat stroke…
Like the guy who tries to break up a fight after the police have already arrived, McDonald’s and Coca-Cola have finally decided that enough is enough and called for Sepp Blatter to immediately step down as FIFA president. Because they both just happened to Google Blatter’s name for the first time last night.
It’s finally happened. A criminal investigation against Sepp Blatter has been opened by Swiss authorities over mismanagement of funds and a “disloyal payment” to UEFA president Michel Platini.
According to the Independent, he could go to jail for up to five years for the criminal mismanagement charge. Although there’s a long way to go before that happens, it might be time for Sepp to formulate a prison plan just in case. So in the interest of helping someone who has done so much to further his own interests in football, we here at Dirty Tackle have a few tips that Blatter might find useful in the can.
Just as Sepp Blatter sat down to announce that the special election to replace him as FIFA president will be held on February 26, comedian and frequent gatecrasher Lee Nelson stood in front of him and made it rain over with cash, saying that it was for “North Korea in 2026.”
Not usually one to miss out on a chance to be at the center of a major FIFA event, Sepp Blatter has decided to skip the Women’s World Cup final in Canada due to “personal reasons.” This comes after FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke, skipped the tournament’s opening ceremony in the wake of several top FIFA officials were hit with indictments and extraditions proceedings by Canada’s friendly neighbor to the south.
United Passions, a film produced by FIFA about FIFA and for FIFA with a title befitting a softcore porn flick, was first released last year in select markets (Serbia! Portugal! Hungary!) and it was received as poorly as a vanity project for a reviled criminal organization posing as a non-profit should be. It has a 2.9 rating (out of 10) on IMDB and a 0.5 rating (out of 10) on Rotten Tomatoes. It reportedly cost FIFA between $20 million and $30 million to make.
And now, mere days after the film’s hero announced his plan to surrender the FIFA presidency following major arrests and evidence of decades of corruption, United Passions is being released in theaters across the United States — the very same country responsible for setting FIFA’s previously impenetrable headquarters on fire. (UPDATE: According to The Hollywood Reporter, it made $607 in its opening weekend. Six hundred and seven. That means about 60 people paid to watch it and/or sit in an air conditioned room during its first two days of release.)
Given these hilarious circumstances, the film’s director, Frederic Auburtin (who was brought to the project by United Passions star and friend of Sepp Blatter, Gerard Depardieu), is promoting its US release by talking about how much he wanted to undermine its message.
From the New York Times:
“I didn’t have the freedom to do a Michael Moore movie at all,” he said. “If I started the movie with flashlights and sirens coming to Zurich, like what happened last Wednesday — I knew if we would write any line like this, everyone would say: ‘What are you doing, man? Come on.’ ”
Mr. Auburtin said he would have preferred to delve deeper into the FIFA darkness. “But I accept the job,” he said. “I know FIFA is producing the film. As we say in France, don’t be more royalist than the king: Don’t be the king if you are not the king.”
Auburtin and Tim Roth, who plays Sepp Blatter, both say they tried to subtly hint at the corruption that has since made headlines around the world within the film. And there’s only one way to find out if that’s the case: by actually watching the damn thing.
The sudden and unexpected resignation of newly re-elected FIFA president Sepp Blatter has been met with resounding joy and optimism. But some will wonder what could have been if the 79-year-old Blatter only had more time to enact all the fantastical things he always talked about doing.
Four days after winning re-election as FIFA president and giddily declaring himself “president of everybody,” Sepp Blatter has abruptly announced that he will step down once a special election can be held in a few months so he can spend more time with his legal team and anyone willing to hide him in their basement.
If there’s one thing that the last few days have proven, it’s that the world loves Sepp Blatter. And by winning yet another term as FIFA president, we all get to love him in our own special way for four more years.
