Andre Schurrle’s season and a half stint with Chelsea ended in January, when he was sold to Wolfsburg, but just because he’s gone doesn’t mean he’s been forgotten. When Chelsea clinched the Premier League title earlier this month, Schurrle doubted his 14 appearances (only five of which were starts) would be enough to get him a winner’s medal. But Jose Mourinho took it upon himself to clear that up for the German winger.
DTotD: Venezuelan player kicked in the back by pitch invader during post-match interview
Carabobo FC striker Aquiles Ocanto was minding his own business and answering questions from a TV reporter during a live post-match interview when a flying psycho delivered a spine-busting kick to his back. Ocanto was down for the count and the pitch invader who put him there quickly ran off.
According to the Guardian, Carabobo later tweeted that Ocanto was fine and hadn’t suffered any injuries in the attack. He might start conducting all interviews with his back against a wall, though.
This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.
The Alvaro Morata Fable
The Billionaire & The Toy
Once upon a time there was a man named Florentino Perez. He was the head of a wealthy family in Spain, but still had the eyes of a child. Because of this, he loved to buy the most expensive toys from other parts of the world, even though his family made some wonderful toys of their own.
Madrid ball boy plays keep away from Patrice Evra
In the latest show of the Ball Boy Cabal’s tyrannical rule over football, a member of the Madrid faction flexed their impudence during the second leg of the Champions League semifinal between Real Madrid and Juventus.
As Patrice Evra attempted to collect the ball, a ball boy on the other side of the advertising board reached over and pulled it away from the Juve defender. This prompted a small scuffle for the ball that wasted the time of people all over the world, once again proving that Jose Mourinho was right and ball boys are the worst people on the planet.
The sooner we replace them all with ball retrieving robots, the better off football will be.
If you know anyone who is a ball boy or has ever expressed an interest in becoming one, please report them to the local authorities and, with any luck, they will be put in jail forever so they can no longer be a scourge on society.
This is Steven Gerrard sitting on a jet engine with his wife
Steven Gerrard and his wife Alex are the stars of British Airways’ Caribbean Campaign, which apparently means that they were paid enough to go along with whatever goofy ideas the photographer could think up.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s expert analysis of Bayern v Barca: leg two
You did it, Pep. You found a way to beat Barcelona and still send your club’s supporters away feeling like they just watched their dog get run over by a freight train that drove through their kitchen. I Zlink your work here is done.
Jerome Boateng’s congratulatory letter to Lionel Messi
Dear Leo,
Congratulations on beating us to reach another Champions League final. You caused me great embarrassment in the first leg of our semifinal, but I just wanted you to know that there are no hard feelings and I am honored to have shared the pitch with you once more.
The Most Unsettling Carlos Tevez Picture of the Day
Patrice, look out!!!
Cologne’s mascot projected onto the Hoover Dam for strange new world record
Because the world is a strange, nonsensical place, Cologne’s crest and mascot, Hennes, were projected onto the Hoover Dam (yes, the one in the United States) to set a new Guinness World Record for largest ever projection.
But of all the things to project onto the Arizona landmark, why this? Was it part of a court settlement after Hennes was assaulted by a coworker earlier this season?
From Bundesliga.com:
Covering an area of 39,000 square metres, the logo covered practically the whole surface of the infamous American landmark. Cologne-based PR agency Oliver Schrott Kommunikation (OSK) chose the Köln logo to experiment the new powerful lighting system installed, thanks in no small way to the affinity to the club of many of the firm’s employees.
Regardless of the reason, it’s just nice to see Hennes finally get the respect he deserves.
Reporter outside Toronto FC match confronts fans after sweary meme was used on camera
Over the last year or so, people crashing live broadcasts and saying “Fuck her right in the pussy” has become a constant, soul crushing threat to field reporters everywhere. After Toronto FC’s 2-1 loss to Houston at BMO Field on Sunday, one Canadian reporter had enough of it and decided not to just ignore it.