Paulo Dybala is trying to improve his right foot by using it to write

An unusual training technique from one of the game’s best young players

Juventus/Twitter

Paulo Dybala has already proven himself to be one of the best young players in the world, but that isn’t stopping him from improving his game further. Albeit in a strange way.

In an effort to develop his skills with his right foot, Dybala has started using it like a hand. From Football Italia:

“I’m left-handed, I even brush my teeth with my left hand,” Dybala explained to Il Venerdì.

“I take a pen every day and I try to write, but with my right foot, I put it between my big toe and the little one.

“I work like a crazy person to have more sensitivity and ability. Not just that, I also train with my eyes; to see further, in different directions, to anticipate my opponents and see trajectories.”

By “the little one” does he mean the pinky toe? Because I’m not even sure how you hold a pen between your big toe and pinky toe, let alone write that way. Also, I’m hoping his way of working on his right foot and his eyesight at the same time is to feed himself a crapton of carrots using his foot.

I’m pretty sure these training techniques were suggested to him by Dani Alves as a joke and Dybala was just too respectful to question them.

Anyway, I don’t think I want Paulo Dybala’s autograph anymore.

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Andre-Pierre Gignac scores absurd equalizer in Liga MX final

You don’t need balance when you’re this good

 

Chivas were leading Tigres 2–0 in the first leg of the Liga MX Clausura final, but then Andre-Pierre Gignac happened. He scored his first in the 85th minute, then, just three minutes later, he chased down a long pass that slipped through Chivas’ back line, hopped over the goalkeeper like Super Mario over a turtle shell, and lobbed a shot into the empty net at a tricky angle while falling backwards.

That made it 2–2, completely swinging the momentum to the Apertura 2016 champions going into the second leg.

Gignac now has nine goals from his last 15 shots. Not matches. Shots.

The man is unstoppable.

Man United complete Treble of Disappointment by winning Europa League

The last trophy Man United had never won, because it used to be beneath them

(Paul Pogba/Twitter)

“I don’t want to win the Europa League. It would be a big disappointment for me. I don’t want my players to feel the Europa League is our competition.”
—Jose Mourinho, July 2013

That’s what Jose Mourinho said after he reclaimed the Chelsea job from nemesis Rafa Benitez, who won the Europa League with the Blues less than a year after they won the Champions League under Roberto Di Matteo. And yet, when Mourinho won the Europa League with the once great Manchester United, beating Ajax’s team of minimum-wage earning 12 year olds 2–0 to claim their last-ditch spot in the Champions League, Mourinho celebrated like he just discovered a cure for cancer that also reverses male pattern baldness.

He even went so far as to insist on raising three fingers, referencing the Treble of Disappointment (the Community Shield, EFL Cup, and Europa League) that he won this season, which is very different from the actual treble Man United won in 1999 of the Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League.

But after two years of embarrassment, Mourinho wasn’t satisfied with ending his superhuman trolling there. In his post-match interview, he added another dig at his rivals, who, unlike him, do not derive pleasure from crushing everyone’s capacity for enjoying the game and then getting a trophy for it at the end.

Though he would certainly prefer to be in the Champions League final, after what Mourinho has endured these last two seasons, this was a living dream for him. From the futile cries of hypocrisy aimed at him to scraping together an absurd claim of treble success to achieving his ultimate goal (Champions League qualification) in a roundabout manner to the jabs at managers who finished higher than him in the Premier League table and yet have nothing to show for it. This went as well as it possibly could have for him and that’s why he celebrated like it.

Meanwhile, an injured Zlatan Ibrahimovic treated the Europa League trophy the way a true champion should: By wearing it like a ridiculous shoe.

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Fourth-division team arrive for Copa Argentina match wearing superhero masks, beat first-division team

Fourth-division team arrive for Copa Argentina match wearing superhero masks, beat first-division team

When you’re a fourth division club facing a top-flight side in a cup competition, it’s difficult to intimidate your opponents. So Sacachispas decided to go the other way with it and wear cheap Halloween masks onto the pitch for their Copa Argentina match against Arsenal de Sarandi then pose for their team photo like a bootleg Justice League.

After witnessing that display of insanity, Arsenal likely had a hard time taking their opponents seriously. So much so that the match ended up going to penalties, where Sacachispas won 6–5.

And that’s why they call it The Beautiful Game. I think.

La Liga trophy withheld from Real Madrid until Gareth Bale gets a decent hairstyle

Spanish federation takes a stand against Bale’s outdated bun

The Spanish football federation (RFEF) is refusing to hand over the Liga trophy to Real Madrid until Gareth Bale adopts a more “professional” hairstyle. Los Blancos became champions of Spain for the first time in five years with a 2–0 win over Malaga on Sunday, but they were not given the trophy. Bale and Luka Modric were both seen asking why the silverware wasn’t present after the match, while Cristiano Ronaldo added that the decision was “a fucking joke.”

“Being a champion means more than just one’s play on the pitch,” said RFEF president Angel Maria Villar. “It also requires a certain level of personal quality. And certain members of Real Madrid’s squad do not display this quality. Of course, I am referring to Gareth Bale and his man bun. This trend has come and gone and yet he still has that droopy bird’s nest atop his head. It’s a blight on Spanish football and we cannot present the club with this trophy until something is done about it. We have informed Real Madrid of this matter and they assure us that it will be dealt with.”

Bale has struggled with injuries this season, scoring seven goals in just 19 appearances for Real Madrid—his lowest totals since he joined the club in 2013. Many experts have speculated that his lingering man bun is to blame.

“Some might say that this is a harsh position for the federation to take, but we have been very lenient in this area,” Villar added. “That nonsense Neymar used to have on his head, Messi’s blond atrocity, everything Ronaldo has done to himself. We have to put our foot down somewhere. And we’re putting it down on Bale’s antiquated hipster hair.”

Real Madrid have been given until the start of the next season to get Bale to change his hairstyle or the trophy will be melted down into a paperweight that will be used to hold down all the complaints filed by Gerard Pique.

Villar concluded: “Look, we know that Bale might be balding under that monstrosity, but that’s totally fine. Some people are bald. No one cares, Gareth. A bald patch is so much better than a man bun. It’s 2017 and everyone agrees on this.”

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Rosario Central fans throw dolls on pitch, forcing match to be halted

When football matches turn into horror movies

Lots of strange things have been thrown on the pitch during matches this season alone. Toy pigs, dead rats, a severed bull’s head—but the dozens of plastic dolls Rosario Central fans threw on the pitch during their match against Racing might be the creepiest yet.

Last week, Rosario Central beat their rivals, Newell’s Old Boys, in the Rosario derby. So in their next match, they decided to throw dolls dressed in Newell’s colors onto the pitch midway through the first half of their match against Racing. Because why not?

As a result, it looked like it was raining human babies. Naturally, match officials were forced to halt the match while the dolls were cleared off and everyone received mental health treatment for witnessing this unsettling display.

Anyway, this must have quadrupled the sales of Argentina’s Creepy Generic Baby Doll Company. Congrats to them.

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John Terry gets fittingly controversial send-off before lifting Premier League trophy

A perfect end to the Chelsea captain’s time with the club


(Chelsea FC)

Chelsea’s final match of the Premier League season meant absolutely nothing. They had already wrapped up the title for the second time in three years, rebounding from a shocking 10th-place finish last season, and their opponents, Sunderland, were bottom of the table and couldn’t have been more relegated.

So, in the 26th minute of this completely meaningless preamble to Chelsea being presented with the trophy, Sunderland played the ball out and №26 John Terry, the most successful captain in Chelsea’s history, exited his final match with the club as his teammates lined up to give him a guard of honor before he was replaced by new captain Gary Cahill.

It was later revealed that Terry himself came up with this choreography and Sunderland manager David Moyes agreed to it before the match, but a little more planning probably should’ve gone into it since it took until the 28th minute for the substitution to actually take place. Chelsea went on to win 5–1 and, for them, the day couldn’t have been more perfect. They became the first top-flight club to get 30 wins in a 38-game season, Spurs finished with a club record 86 points and still finished seven points behind the Blues with Hugo Lloris conceding a goal in a 7–1 win to give the Golden Glove award to Thibaut Courtois, and Arsenal finished fifth—outside of Champions League qualification for the first time in 19 years.

But the Terry moment was what everyone fixated on. To Chelsea fans, it was a deserved and emotional send-off, and to everyone else, it was an insult to the game and an affront on common decency.

This made it the perfect way for John Terry to end his Chelsea career, over which he has endeared himself to supporters and repulsed everyone else in equal measure. An understated and conventional farewell would’ve been totally wrong for someone who has lifted more trophies over his 19 seasons than his club had in 93 years of existence before he joined the team and been stripped of the England captaincy not once, but twice.

To fixate on whether it was right or wrong is to miss the transcendence of this ending to one of the Premier League’s most enduring one-man morality plays. In John Terry’s final moments on the pitch at Stamford Bridge, he reminded supporters why they love him and everyone else why they hate him. He even managed to squeeze in one last FA investigation. Incredible.

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Carlo Ancelotti survives his first Bayern beer shower as Philipp Lahm gets his sendoff

All the best bits from Bayern’s Bundesliga victory celebration


(FC Bayern)

A 4–1 win over Freiburg finished off Bayern Munich’s fifth consecutive Bundesliga title and both Philipp Lahm and Xabi Alonso’s career. It also marked the long overdue end of Carlo Ancelotti’s beer-bath virginity.

Also, David Alaba gave Arjen Robben a new head of hair.

Then Robben passed on the favor.

Here’s video of the beer tsunami (the GoPro on the glass was an inspired innovation):

Amidst the joy was a bit of sadness as Lahm and Alonso said goodbye

But the casual cool of Ancelotti in lederhosen remains.

One final thing you have to see: Manuel Neuer keeping his injured foot elevated while wearing his full kit and waving his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care.

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Jose Mourinho would rather eat snacks than answer questions during his press conference

It’s been that kind of season for The Snacking One

The second year of Jose Mourinho’s own personal hell is coming to a close and though he still has the Europa League final to try and salvage some semblance of dignity, his unending misery has made it difficult for him to care about anything at all. So at his press conference on Friday, he placed more importance on eating his snacks than answer questions about how shamefully mediocre his team is from a roomful of people who enjoy needling him.

Watch:

Jose Mourinho is one press conference away from showing up without pants on.

Listen to the Dirty Tackle podcast for more nonsense.

Russia has a nerdy robot to protect English fans from hooligans at the World Cup

The hooligans will be too busy laughing to beat anyone up


This reboot of Short Circuit looks spectacular

The violence perpetrated by roving bands of Russian hooligans at Euro 2016 in France raised serious concerns about what dangers the 2018 World Cup holds for anyone who attends. English fans, in particular, were targeted in France and the Russian hooligans have warned that the World Cup will be a “festival of violence” for them. But the Moscow Technological Institute has come up with a solution: An effete, bowtie wearing robot named AlanTim—a combination of the two least intimidating names in the English language.

“My name is AlanTim, I work as a lecturer in Moscow Technological Institute,” the robot says in the video above. I read on the internet that many English fans have doubts regarding the safety of visiting Russia. You have nothing to worry about. I will stand up personally for your protection.”

At this point, I laughed so hard that I nearly choked to death.

AlanTim continues: “I promise to accompany you in Moscow and protect you from any problems.”

Again, nearly choked.

“I can immediately contact the police, resolve the dispute on the logical ground, and even anticipate a conflict based on the emotions of people around me.”

Because football hooligans are well known for responding to attempts at peaceful resolutions based on “the logical ground.”

I mean, look at this thing…

The only way AlanTim is going to help English fans in danger is if it shoots lasers from its eyes or takes long enough to be destroyed to let the hooligans’ human targets run away.

There is no way AlanTim survives the 2018 World Cup.

Listen to the Dirty Tackle podcast for more nonsense.