James Corden takes charge of Arsenal for a day, teaches them things Arsene Wenger hasn’t

If you’re wondering how Arsenal were finally able to beat Chelsea, I think we have the answer in this video. During the club’s preseason visit to the U.S., James Corden took charge of the squad for a day and brought some new ideas to the table — something they haven’t had in a while given Arsene Wenger’s long tenure.

Following a bus ride that included a sing-a-long and a tour of the many Los Angeles locations with a connection to David Schwimmer, Cordon taught the players some new football skills and celebrations. I’m disappointed the lawnmower hasn’t made an appearance yet this season.

DTotD: Brazilian defender sent off for kicking opponent in the face

Just before halftime in Saturday’s match between CRB and Bahia, defender Flavio Boaventura decided that he needed to test his leg extension after making a clearance. It just so happened that as he was doing this, Bahia striker Hernane was coming his way, resulting in Boaventura planting his studs into Hernane’s mug.

Boaventura was sent off for his poorly timed leg stretch, but CRB still came back from 1-0 down to finish with a 2-2 draw despite only having 10 men for the entire second half. Perhaps it helped that Hernane played on with his face smashed to the back of his skull.

This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events. 

Thanks to Ryan Lloyd for the tip!

Antonio Conte convinces Roman Abramovich to buy new players by murdering all the old ones

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Frustrated by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich’s reluctance to fund a much needed squad overhaul, manager Antonio Conte has murdered all of his players in order to force Abramovich to bring in new ones.

“Mr. Abramovich and the board were unwilling to make the changes that both I and the previous manager told them were necessary, so now they have to,” Conte told reporters as he removed a blood soaked raincoat. “Simple as that.”

Each of the last two summer windows have had transfer business deemed insufficient to keep pace with the rest of the league by Chelsea’s manager at the time. For Mourinho in 2015, the lack of investment cost him his job despite winning the Premier League title the season before and now Antonio Conte has suffered two losses in his last three Premier League matches, with the latest being an embarrassing 3-0 defeat at Arsenal.

“It was rather easy to eliminate all of the players,” Conte said. “Branislav Ivanovic had the mobility of a cactus, so he was the first to get it. And as soon as I started chopping, Diego Costa pulled out an axe of his own and helped me do it. I didn’t even ask him to. I said, ‘Diego, why do you have an axe in the dressing room?’ and he said, ‘Boss, why do you have an axe in the dressing room?’ We laughed and then we chopped everyone. Actually, Gary Cahill just fell on the axes without us having to do anything. What a mess he is. Now more than ever.”

Conte added that the only player he and Costa spared was captain John Terry because “he is Chelsea’s only reliable defender even though the club didn’t want to renew his contract.”

Abramovich was not immediately available for comment, but it is believed that he will not be pleased with the prospect of having to pay for an entire squad of new, world-class players and to have the away dressing room at Emirates Stadium cleaned.

When asked what he will do between now and the opening of the January transfer window, Conte said, “John Terry and two men with axes will get Chelsea more wins in that time than the other players would have.”

Didier Drogba had to be held back from New York fans after loss

Didier Drogba had a pretty miserable Saturday. First, he had to watch Arsenal embarrass Chelsea 3-0. This alone was enough to share a catty tweet aimed at Theo Walcott implying that if he was still at Chelsea, the result would have been different.

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Zlatan lookalike invades pitch, accosts the real Zlatan

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has apparently become so powerful that he is multiplying. One member of his secret army of clones escaped the containment facility and invaded the pitch during Man United’s match against Leicester in an attempt to unite with Original Zlatan and form a unified Mega Zlatan. Though stewards thwarted his efforts, Original Zlatan was amused by the sight of the man, but clearly wanted him to get lost so as not to ruin their plan for world domination.

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