If you enjoy doing dumb stuff at profession football matches, you’ll want to steer clear of Germany because the German Federal Court of Justice has given clubs the ability to sue fans for their wrongdoing during matches. And Bundesliga side Cologne are making use of this newfound ability in an effort to recoup some of the money they had to pay out as a result of an idiot injuring seven people with fireworks during a 2014 match against Paderborn.
Luis Suarez doesn’t want footballers talking about all the things he does to them on the pitch
Following a challenge that left his opponent with a bloody hole in his foot, Luis Suarez reportedly shouted “You dived, clown!” at Atletico Madrid’s Filipe Luis. Shortly after the match, Luis shared a photo of the damage Suarez did to his foot on Instagram, along with the caption “At least he didn’t touch me!”
Barcelona’s Douglas injures his butt while sleeping on bus
A day after it was reported that Barcelona defender Douglas initially refused to go on loan to Sporting Gijon, where he eventually ended up this season, it has now been revealed that his hesitancy to join the club was well founded. The seats on their team bus are a threat to his physical well being.
From AS:
According to Sporting physical trainer, Gerardo Ruiz, talking to sports radio show Onda Deportiva in Asturias, Douglas fell asleep on the bus in an uncomfortable position on the trip from Gijón to Vigo (a four [hour] drive across northern Spain) and when he woke up he’d injured his backside (strictly one of his gluteal muscles).
Coincidentally, Sporting’s next match is against Barcelona, so Douglas will have an opportunity to beg his parent club to take him back to the comfort of their superior bus seats.
Mario Balotelli is feeling Nice’s love and repaying it with goals
In two Ligue 1 matches, Mario Balotelli has scored twice as many goals as he did in the previous two seasons. You can say that’s because he’s taken a step down to a league that’s less demanding on a troubled striker than the Premier League or Serie A, but the positive reinforcement Nice has given him can’t be underestimated.
Barcelona accepting applications to donate a healthy groin to Lionel Messi
The groin injury that forced Lionel Messi out of Barcelona’s 1-1 draw with Atletico Madrid in the 59th minute will keep him out of action for three weeks. “To lose Messi means that football loses,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique after the match. And with that in mind, the club announced they will accept applications from anyone interested in donating a healthy groin to Messi so he can return to the pitch as soon as possible.
“If you think you have a groin that is a match for Lionel, please notify us as soon as possible,” club president Josep Maria Bartomeu announced. “And if Messi is able to use your groin, we will reward you with an autographed picture and a special shirt that says ‘Messi has my groin.'”
Though many of Messi’s legion of fans are likely eager to donate a piece of themselves to help their hero, Barcelona have already developed a “plan D” in case a suitable volunteer does not come forward.
“Worst case scenario, we recall Douglas from his loan and take his groin,” Bartomeu added. “He’s gotten to celebrate eight trophies while only making eight appearances for the club. It’s time he gives something back. Whether he likes it or not.”
No, a goalkeeper wasn’t arrested for conceding 43 goals in one match
German side SV Vonderort ‘keeper Marco arrested by police after conceding 43 goals! #football pic.twitter.com/PTvjvLjBHX
— Photos of Football (@photosofootball) September 19, 2016
Depleted by injuries, an eight-man SV Vonderort reserve side lost 43-0 to PSV Oberhausen in the German 11th division. It got so bad, that Oberhausen took three of their own players off to even up the numbers.
“I wanted to cancel the game at halftime [when the score was 19-0] when the referee asked me about it,” Vonderort’s coach told Auf’m Platz. “But the team wanted to continue playing.”
As bad a day as that was for Vonderort’s goalkeeper, things got even worse for him several days later when he was arrested after a training session. The widely reported implication was that his mysterious arrest was related to his performance in the previous match, but Bild now confirms that this asinine assumption couldn’t be further from the truth.
According to Bild, a government official confirmed that he had a warrant out for his arrest over an unpaid fine. The reason for the fine and the length of his jailing were not released, however. Apparently conceding 43 goals really helps the police track you down.
Meanwhile, Vonderort went on to improve tremendously in their next match by only losing 8-0. So the story has a happy ending. Kind of.
Marcin Wasilewski sacrifices Leicester’s EFL Cup campaign to get humanity’s revenge on Diego Costa
A pair of goals from Shinji Okazaki gave Leicester an early 2-0 lead against Chelsea in the EFL Cup, but defenders Gary Cahill and Cesar Azpilicueta scored on either side of halftime to equalize for the visitors. In the second half, with survival in the competition on the line, Chelsea brought in destroyer of worlds Diego Costa and in the 89th minute, Leicester defender Marcin Wasilewski was sent off for delivering a blatant forearm to Costa’s face, seemingly for no reason other than the fact that he is Diego Costa.
Pep Guardiola holds Yaya Toure’s career hostage for an apology from his agent
Since Pep Guardiola joined Manchester City, he’s made it clear that Yaya Toure doesn’t factor into his plans. Toure’s only appearance under Guardiola this season was in a Champions League qualifier against Steaua Bucharest. But now Guardiola is suggesting that the 33-year-old midfielder will have a way back onto the pitch…if he produces an apology for his outspoken agent.
Conspiracy Theory: Joey Barton got himself suspended by Rangers to promote his new book
Hours after Rangers announced that they are suspending ex-con midfielder Joey Barton for three weeks over a training-ground spat with an unnamed teammate, his shifty mug was plastered across newspaper backpages hawking his new autobiography.
Barton’s return to antagonizing his own teammates is arguably his most notable act since he was sent off for hitting Tom Huddlestone in the penis before washing out of the Premier League back in 2015. Which is quite the coincidence given that his book, titled “No Nonsense” and published by Simon & Schuster, is released on Thursday.
Douglas Costa is better at backheel penalties than many players are at normal ones
Douglas Costa pulled off an incredibly power and accurate backheel penalty during a challenge with Franck Ribery and now I want to pay him money to do this in a real match.