With Pep Guardiola’s move to Manchester City to resume his eternal battle with Jose Mourinho, Catalan football satire show Crackovia is producing a series about the two rivals as they now share a city. The first episode spoofs the popular Man City YouTube video that had Guardiola sharing a cab with a young ginger fan and features a depiction of Zlatan Ibrahimovic as a Frankenstein’s Monster type character who can only say “Zlatan.”
Pretty good, Crackovia. Pretty, pretty good.
Steven Gerrard recently did one of those videos where they put a footballer with a kid and let the adorableness of the interaction hypnotize you into wanting to buy his shirt. But after telling the child that Leicester “crap,” the kid brought up a now interesting topic: Landon Donovan’s retirement.
Noted opinion haver and Al Sadd midfielder Xavi is the star of a commercial for Qatar National Bank and I’m pretty sure he also served as creative director for the project because it depicts the scenario he has always dreamed of: Xavis everywhere.
The ad shows a football match between two teams entirely made up of Xavis, refereed by a Xavi, coached by Xavis, and watched by Xavis. The pitch is perfect. And since everyone in this world is a Xavi, there is universal appreciation for the style of play which Xavi believes is the correct way to play the game. There are no Jose Mourinhos, no pitches that are too wet or too dry — it’s Xavi heaven.
In the second minute of Montreal’s match against Orland, Didier Drogba took a free kick and added a bit of wizard magic to it. The ball moved in slow motion and right at the goalkeeper, hypnotizing him into pushing the ball into his own net.
Orlando went on to win 4-1 after Montreal’s goalkeeper was sent off early in the second half, but only because Drogba didn’t feel like stopping time all together and scoring five more times while everyone else was frozen in place.
Dean Saunders played just one season for Nottingham Forest on the downside of his career, but in 1991, Brain Clough tried to sign him. Saunders shared a colorful version of the story about his encounter with Clough — a brilliant manager who battled alcoholism — on TalkSport and his audience ate it up with a spoon.
Christian Pulisic became the youngest American to start a World Cup qualifier in the U.S.’s 4-0 win over Trinidad and Tobago. The 17-year-old played the entire match and instead of scoring the fourth goal of his budding international career, he hit both posts with a single shot.
From any other player, this would be nothing more than a curious anomaly. But from Pulisic, it is a clear sign that he possess supernatural powers and that the end times, which can only be brought on by the existence of a truly great American footballer who can withstand a level of hype and expectation that cripples mere mortals, are now upon us.
During an Africa Cup of Nations qualifier against Botswana, Burkina Faso defender Steeve Yago decided to utilize a highly effective method of defense: punching his opponent in the face. This approach succeeded in getting the Botswana player off the ball. It also got Yago a red card and a knockout, since his victim was carried off on a stretcher.
Burkina Faso won the match 2-1 as two other red cards were shown on the day.
This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.
Lionel Messi scored on his return to international football from non-retirement, but he also aggravated a groin injury that could keep him out of Barcelona’s Champions League opener. In order to calm the fears of his many supporters, Messi posted an image of himself receiving treatment on the injury that undermines his message.
Sam Allardyce won his first match as England manager, beating Slovakia 1-0 on a late goal from Adam Lallana. Every word of that sentence is true, I swear. Clearly, Big Sam already has the poisoned chalice that is the England job all figured out and his methods are pure genius. Get out a pen, Pep Guardiola, because you’ll want to take notes.
Almost single-handedly winning Brazil’s first ever Olympic gold in football is apparently a good way to get yourself lovingly mauled by pitch invaders, as Neymar found out during a training session in Manaus. Amidst a sustained chorus of joyful shrieks, several pitch invaders evaded security to hug Neymar to the ground.
Neymar couldn’t help but smile during the hug attack and urged security to go easy on his assailants.
Of course, if he wins a World Cup for his country next, he’ll have a couple hundred million people trying to hug him at once.
