Real Madrid beat Atletico Madrid on penalties to lift the Champions League trophy for the second time in three years. Though much of the game was utterly forgettable dreck, there were several images that will remain forever ingrained upon our memories for better or worse.
Conspiracy Theory: Lionel Messi is paying Cristiano Jr. to troll his father
Carlo Ancelotti really does have a part in Star Trek Beyond
Back in October, there were rumors that Carlo Ancelotti was set for a cameo role in the next Star Trek film, which was filming in Vancouver — where Ancelotti took up residence after getting sacked by Real Madrid at the end of the 2014/15 season. Though his IMDB page has yet to be updated to reflect this, we now have confirmation from the man himself.
I refuse to own tassel loafers, Cristiano Ronaldo
One of my picks for the warm days ahead of us! Tassel loafers are a must have. Check it now https://t.co/Yu7rvgpkQf pic.twitter.com/iXsRjcyANL
— Cristiano Ronaldo (@Cristiano) May 25, 2016
This is one place where you and I disagree, Cristiano. I do not feel it necessary to own tassel loafers. Not even a little bit. As far as I’m concerned, tassels are for draperies and graduation caps.
Götze and Balotelli are together on the Island of Misfit Marios
Mario Götze is 23 years old and the scorer of the winning goal in the 2014 World Cup final. But this season, as Bayern Munich won the domestic double, Götze only made 21 appearances and scored only six goals — career lows in both categories. He would like to stay with the club, but Bayern CEO Karl-Heinz Rummenigge has publicly said “No one here wants you. We told you that. Why are you doing this?” (Not his exact words.)
Sergio Ramos compares Champions League final to sex because he’s Sergio Ramos
In what can only be seen as an attempt to fuel the production of fan fiction about himself, Sergio Ramos has compared playing in the Champions League final to having sex.
From the Guardian:
“The first time is like when you make love: you always remember it … but then it’s true that you can improve because to start with you’re a disaster,” Ramos joked.
“The first time always has a special taste. I was the protagonist for a great goal,” he said. “But I am optimistic, very ambitious, and I prefer to keep turning the page and adding [trophies] to my CV. Hopefully I will have the chance to lift the trophy.”
Jokes about first sexual experiences usual involve references to quick finishes, but Ramos’ equalizer in the 2014 final came in the 93rd minute, setting up Real Madrid’s extra-time goalkakke.
He better hope this first-time success doesn’t make him overconfident and lead him to score at the wrong end in the rematch against Atletico. Because accident anal is definitely the sexual equivalent to an own goal.
Jose Mourinho leaves his house
Jose Mourinho has left his house. He could be going to sign his Manchester United contract. Or to buy a gift for Louis van Gaal, his dear friend whose job he specifically campaigned for over the last six consecutive months. Is he thinking about which players he will sign? He’s probably contemplating which players he’ll sell. Or maybe he’s thinking about the players he will buy and then sell!
John Terry is living life to its fullest
With a miserable season behind him and one last hard fought Chelsea contract extension now signed, John Terry is enjoying life and sharing this enjoyment with his Instagram followers. Above is video of a smiling Terry ziplining with his wife in Dubai, set to R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.” If this doesn’t inspire Chelsea to a treble next season, I don’t know what will.
Neymar is clearly unsettled by his wax figure
Neymar got to meet his Madame Tussauds wax figure for a promotional photoshoot and the experience did not seem to sit well with the Brazilian. Throughout their time together, the real Neymar kept inspecting every inch of his inanimate double.
He compared tattoos, felt the tongue and eyeballs, petted the hair. And he wasn’t laughing as he did this. It wasn’t playful curiosity. It was a meticulous inspection. He seemed genuinely concerned about the existence of this identical replica of himself.
The figure will be displayed in Orlando, Florida. Unless Neymar destroys it so it can’t come to life, kill him, and continue on as him with no one noticing the difference. Laugh if you want, but that’s exactly what happened to Pele in 1973.
Andrea Pirlo’s guide to improving American soccer
In a recent interview, NYCFC midfielder Andrea Pirlo offered his views on youth development in the United States and how that impacts the quality of play at the professional level.
From Reuters:
“What I’m talking about is actually a system or culture. I don’t mean that the level of technical skills are low. I just mean there is a cultural void that needs to be filled,” Pirlo told Reuters at an MLS promotional event in Manhattan.
The Italian, who turned 37 on Thursday, said Americans who play soccer at college are already behind in terms of their development when compared with European peers. […]
“[In Europe] they pick them and they train them in much more than just running,” he said. “They train them in stopping the ball. Here that doesn’t happen.
“So when a young man becomes a professional in the United States he still has some gaps that need to be filled when playing on the field.”
As far as his personal U.S. experience, Pirlo said he has adjusted to the new environment and found the level of play quite physical, which he attributed to how players evolve in the U.S. system.
“It’s a very hard league to play in. It’s very physical, there’s a lot of running. So there is a lot of physical work and to me, in my mind, too little play,” said Pirlo.
So how would Pirlo fix these systematic issues? Here are his steps to developing a more cultured game…