Bayern celebration turns into player talent show

Bayern took their trophy haul to Munich’s central square and the pilot episode of Bayern’s Got Talent broke out.

First, Jerome Boateng did some beatboxing while a woman stood nearby, awkwardly holding a giant glass boot full of beer. Next up, Philipp Lahm and Thomas Müller did a duet. And finally, Franck Ribery made spaceship noises.

The crowd then sang Happy Birthday to Arturo Vidal and, rounding out the randomness, outgoing manager Pep Guardiola said a few words while holding a glass of white wine.

This is what happens when you do this every year and run out of ideas on how to entertain the thousands of people below.

The coordinated character assassination of Louis van Gaal

Manchester United won their first trophy since the 2013 retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson on Saturday, edging out Crystal Palace 2-1 in extra time with 10-men to lift the FA Cup. It had been 12 years since Man United last won the FA Cup. Wayne Rooney, a player who has seemingly won everything there is to win with the club, had never won this trophy until now.

This joyous occasion created a bit of a problem, though. Round 9,377 of “Jose Mourinho to Man United confirmed!” reports was already winding its way through the media like the latest updates from the boy who cried wolf as Louis van Gaal was proudly showed off his fourth domestic cup in as many countries. Though Mourinho replacing Van Gaal, who still has a year left on his contract, has seemed like a foregone conclusion for months, the image of Van Gaal celebrating like it was his birthday party while everyone treated it like his funeral is one that Man United and/or Mourinho’s representatives likely didn’t appreciate.

Appearances aside, the FA Cup did little to sweeten an otherwise grueling season in which Man United finished outside of Champions League qualification and with their lowest number of goals scored in the Premier League era (49). But some people care about appearances. And those people apparently felt that something had to be done.

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Antonio Conte bans all that is delicious (plus carrots) ahead of Euro 2016

Italy manager Antonio Conte, who is apparently more monster than man, has decided to ban his players from eating anything that tastes good (plus carrots) as they prepare for Euro 2016.

From Football Italia:

According to La Stampa newspaper, he will get the Azzurri ready for Euro 2016 by banning snacks, pasta (apart from that made from Khorasan wheat, also known as Kamut), grissini, pizza and sweets.

Carrots are also on the negative list due to their sugar content.

Coverciano and the training camp mini-bars will have no supply of ice cream, crisps or croissants.

Clearly the man has learned nothing from Claudio Ranieiri. And a carrot ban seems misguided at best.

Anyway, this policy will likely get Italy eliminated in the group stage since all of their players will wish they are dead.

DT Exclusive: Brendan Rodgers’ first moments as Celtic manager

Brendan Rodgers is Celtic’s new manager, ending a rather productive spell away from the game (boxing! a Times Square marriage proposal! daring fashions!) after he was sacked by Liverpool last October. A lifelong fan of the club, Rodgers seems to be a perfect match for the Scottish champions and has excited their supporters. 

The following is a transcript of Brendan Rodgers’ conversation with Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell immediately after signing his new contract.

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Crotone to intimidate Serie A with terrifying shark person statue

Calabrian side Crotone FC have won promotion to Serie A for the first time in their history, so to prepare for their new challenge, they have unveiled an unsettling statue of a half shark, half man footballer that will surely strike fear into the hearts of all their opponents.

The club’s nickname is the Sharks (Squali), so there is some inspiration for this creature other than the effects of hallucinogenic drugs.

Francesco Totti might regret his decision to play another season with Roma when he meets this thing.

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A full-kit wanker invaded an England training session

(Carl Recine/Reuters)
(Carl Recine/Reuters)

A guy in an England training kit invaded the team’s first pre-Euro 2016 training session and no one really cared. The man jogged towards the players, who were taking a water break at the time, kicked a couple of balls towards empty nets, and jogged away without anyone doing much more than watch him do what he pleased.

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