Tag: Arsenal

If it continued… (Chelsea v Arsenal)

An answer to the most important question about the London derby

(Chelsea/Twitter)

Chelsea successfully avenged their 3–0 loss to Arsenal earlier this season by beating them 3–1 as Arsene Wenger continues to serve out his touchline ban for shoving an official. Chelsea scored early, and capped off Arsenal’s embarrassment with their third goal coming from former Gunners captain and current Chelsea benchwarmer, Cesc Fabregas, before Olivier Giroud scored his specialty: the consolation goal. It was just one more day to forget for Arsenal, ushering in fresh calls for Wenger’s job, which come with the regularity of high tide. But what if the match continued?

97’—Wenger complains into his headset connected to the Arsenal bench about not being able to see over the person standing in front of him loud enough for the person standing in front of him to hear. The man ignores him. Wenger resigns himself to his fate rather than take the further action necessary to rectify the situation.


101’—N’Golo Kante permits Mesut Özil to go to the bathroom on his own, but waits just outside the door the entire time.

104’—A replay of Eden Hazard’s 53rd minute goal is shown on the big screen at Stamford Bridge and the officials decide it was spectacular enough to be counted a second time. Antonio Conte celebrates so hard that he time travels a few seconds ahead.

https://streamable.com/5sbw2

109’—John Terry stands on his chair and holds the Premier League trophy over his head until Victor Moses convinces him that it’s not time yet.

113’—While undergoing tests related to the head injury that forced him out of the match in the 17th minute, Hector Bellerin claims that he is a Chelsea player who makes £300,00 a week. When worried doctors tell him that’s not true, he shrugs and says “It was worth a try.”

116’—Olivier Giroud scores a second goal, making it 4–2 and giving Arsenal hope of a comeback. Giroud celebrates with a 37-minute long interpretive dance that reenacts his entire life story to that point.

120’—Emboldened by Giroud’s goal, Wenger shoves the person standing in front of him. The FA immediately gives him a 12-match stadium ban, forcing him him to sit in a dry cleaners’ shop across the street.

124’—Roman Abramovich turns to two of his guests for the day, Michael Essien and Didier Drogba and tells them how he wishes they were still out there playing for Chelsea. Andre Schevchenko then asks “What about me, boss?” and everyone pretends to hear someone calling them from the opposite direction.

https://www.gettyimages.com/license/633771468

131’—Nicolas “Le Sulk” Anelka files a lawsuit against a continually mopey Alexis Sanchez for copyright infringement.

135’—Olivier Giroud completes his hat trick while still celebrating his previous goal. Arsene Wenger thinks of the perfect thing to say to the person who was standing in front of him at Stamford Bridge. The owner of the dry cleaners’ shop agrees that it’s pretty good.

139’—Cesc Fabregas scores his second goal of the day while Petr Cech is busy chuckling to himself upon thinking about how John Terry said he would be worth 12 additional points to Arsenal, who would now be 12 points behind Chelsea in the table. As he did after his first goal, Fabregas doesn’t celebrate out of respect for his former club, but he does bend over just enough for his 2015 Premier League winner’s medal to spill out of his shirt.

140’—The match is abandoned when Antonio Conte high-fives a fan with so much force that the Earth explodes.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Arsene Wenger is sorry he shoved the fourth official

He was just pushing the man out of the way of an oncoming train, he swears


Arsenal’s 2–1 win over Burnley was anything but routine (well, by Arsenal standards maybe it was). After Shkodran Mustafi gave them a 1–0 lead in the second half, Granit “Red Is My Favorite Color” Xhaka was sent off, forcing Arsenal to play the last 25 minutes with 10 men. In added time, Burnley were awarded a penalty, enraging Arsene Wenger and allowing Andre Gray to equalize from the spot.

Wenger was sent off, but refused to go. When he eventually reach the mouth of the tunnel and stood his ground there, he tried to shove the fourth official away from him, perhaps mistaking him for Jose Mourinho.

In the EIGHTH minute of added time, Arsenal got a penalty of their own and Alexis Sanchez scored to give them one final lead. After the match, Wenger apologized for the shove, but that won’t be enough to prevent the FA from handing him a touchline ban.

The way Wenger keeps shoving people during matches, a ban might not be enough, though. It might be time to make him swap his puffy coat for a straight jacket on matchdays.



A scientific explanation of Olivier Giroud’s wonder goal

Starting off the new year with an in-depth analysis of 2017’s first great goal

(Arsenal FC/Twitter)

Olivier Giroud, a man who too often has trouble scoring while facing an open net, managed to pull off a breathtaking sideways scorpion-kick goal in Arsenal’s New Year’s Day win over Crystal Palace. It was the type of goal that can be difficult to process. Just watch and let it turn your motor functions to mush.

https://streamable.com/b6zme

Thankfully, I have a PhD in Goal Theory, so I am qualified to explain just how this remarkable goal came to be.

The foundation of this goal began the night before. New Year’s Eve. Olivier Giroud and the ball just happened to find themselves at the same party. They spotted each other from across the room. They exchanged timid glances and just before midnight, Giroud worked up the courage to approach the ball.

They discussed how funny it was that they were both there, given that they would be working together the next day. The conversation flowed easy. As the countdown to the new year began, Giroud admitted that he was developing feelings for the ball.

“I don’t have relationships with players,” the ball told him. “I’ve been kicked aside too many times.”

“I’m not like the others,” Giroud insisted, caressing the ball’s high-visibility exterior. “I’ll love you like Theo Walcott loves his coffee machine.”

As the clock struck midnight, the two kissed passionately. Everyone around them disappeared in that moment and the fireworks above were no match for those in their hearts.

In the small hours of the morning, Giroud and the ball went home together, where they explored every smooth, rounded panel of each other’s bodies.

When Giroud was jolted awake by his alarm, the ball was gone and he wondered if their affair was just a fleeting moment of loneliness and desire.

He prepared for the match as he usually does—winking at himself in the mirror and bathing in cocoa butter. When he arrived at the Emirates and stepped onto the pitch for warm-ups, he tried to ignore the ball as it feigned interest in other people. The match began and this silly game continued. But in the 17th minute, they could no longer resist their animal attraction.

Alexis Sanchez sent in a cross that put the ball behind Giroud, who flung out his leg in a desperate attempt to make contact with his complicated lover. As he did so, he whispered “Please, my love, go in the net…and wait for me there.”

Just before the ball propelled off the outside of his boot, it replied: “Anything, Giroud…”

With all the strength it could muster, the ball spun itself down off the crossbar and into the soft embrace of the net, leaving all its witnesses gasping in astonishment.

After the match, Giroud tracked down the ball to profess his love and eternal devotion. He said they could retire and live out their days on a deserted island together. Maybe even have children, if such a thing proves to be possible.

“You know this will never last, Olivier,” it told him. “But I will always remember our time together. And this goal will live on as a testament to what true love can achieve.”

With that, the match official took the ball away, leaving a tearful Giroud to be consoled by Gunnersaurus in the tunnel of bittersweet emotion.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Ilkay Gundogan assures the world he is still alive after weird Man City tribute

When shows of solidarity go too far

(Man City)

Man City midfielder Ilkay Gundogan suffered a knee injury earlier in the week, bringing his first season with the club to a premature end. This has undoubtedly been a difficult situation to process for Gundogan, so before Sunday’s match against Arsenal, his teammates lined up in his №8 shirt as a show of solidarity.

It was a lovely gesture, but it also created a bit of confusion since this level of tribute is usually reserved for someone who suffered a bit more than an injured knee.

Regardless of Gundogan’s status, the desire to honor him seemed to galvanize City, as they came back from a 1–0 halftime deficit to beat Arsenal 2–1. After the match, Gundogan expressed his appreciation on Twitter and also took the opportunity to assure every that he is still alive.

Meanwhile, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain had to come off 13 minutes after entering the match due to a muscle injury, so look for Arsenal to build a statue for him outside the Emirates to try and inspire a Boxing Day win against West Brom.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

The strange world of football club Christmas videos

Holiday themed self-promotion can produce some very odd results

Antonio Conte: Overcome with holiday joy

Christmastime: One last frenzy of saccharine enriched consumerism to close out the calendar year. Many baffling sales pitches have been made under the guise of festive celebration, but football clubs seem to have a special knack for producing content of this type. And the holiday season is better for it.

Here are some of the latest examples.

Celtic FC

You know this is going to be unsettling the second Leigh Griffith appears as a tiny elf on a shelf, but when the kid opens the front door to find Brendan Rodgers looking at him like this…


…and doesn’t immediately slam it shut and run away screaming, you know you have entered a universe that has nothing to do with reality. Also, why are they giving this kid an entire shop’s worth of Celtic merchandise to hoard under the stairs? Aren’t there other young fans who would appreciate some of this stuff? Maybe even say “thank you” when a professional footballer magically appears to give him a free gift? Ungrateful little git.

Chelsea FC

Antonio Conte staring into the camera like he wants to murder your ancestors kind of distracts from the misdirect they’re trying to achieve, because by the time they get to everyone playing games and having fun, you’ve already wet yourself, turning your pants the same color as that godawful yellow shirt all the players are wearing.

Barcelona FC

There was a meeting where the following exchange took place:

“OK, our theme is ‘sharing happiness’…what’s the best way to convey that in one minute and 36 seconds?”

“Well what if we have Santa Claus, dressed as a history professor, in a psychiatrist’s office…”

“SAY NO MORE, MIGUEL. THIS IDEA IS ‘SHARING HAPPINESS’ BOILED DOWN TO ITS UNIVERSAL ESSENCE AND WE ARE DOING IT NOW.”

And whoever said, “Wait, isn’t that completely weird?” was overruled and probably fired, leaving them unable to buy gifts for their family this year. The end.

Arsenal FC

This is 100% batshit insane. The accents that sound like something out of an abandoned Pixar film. The continued degradation of Santi Cazorla. The attempt to appeal to Australians with tired caricatures of their own existence. The tacked-on “Merry Christmas” that has nothing to do with anything that just happened. Per Mertesacker trying to start a fire using his own body. The inclusion of a long forgotten Carl Jenkinson.

The fact that this video exists proves that we will never fully understand the universe or the human mind.

Juventus FC

After taking in all of the insanity we have to this point, it’s nice to end with a video that’s actually quite good. Juventus’ pizza loving zebra mascot Jay (OK, but this one is a little insane, too) fulfills a Christmas wish carelessly lost by an elf who may or may not be hopped up on methamphetamine.

To recap, more animated mascots and less creepy managers, please.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Theo Walcott achieves coffee machine goal milestone

Beating Stoke is great, but earning a new coffee machine is far, far better

(Arsenal/Twitter)

Theo Walcott scored Arsenal’s first goal in their 3–1 come from behind win against Stoke. It was his 10th of the season, the 100th of his career and it put Arsenal top of the table, but the aspect of this occasion that he was most excited about was the prize it earned him.

No, it wasn’t a goal bonus written into his contract and worth millions of pounds—it was a deal he made with his wife Melanie earlier this season. Last month, Walcott revealed the arrangement. He told reporters (via the Independent): “She said ‘If you get 10 goals before Christmas I’ll buy you this coffee machine.’ So I can’t wait for that and hopefully it will happen.”

After scoring his 10th, he tweeted his delight.

Even Walcott’s club knew what it meant to him (they were also glad that they wouldn’t have to pay for the coffee machine).

It’s worth noting that Walcott hasn’t scored more than nine goals since the 2012/13 season, when he had a career high 21. This is partly down to the injuries that have dogged him, but last season he managed just nine in 42 appearances. Maybe his wife will promise him a new blender if he reaches 20 by the end of the season.


Arsenal sent Carlisle United a Christmas card for some reason

The most festive mystery of our time

(Carlisle United/Twitter)

There are always a few holidays cards that make you say “Really? From them?” upon opening and the same goes for football clubs, apparently.

Carlisle United, who play in League Two, were so delighted with the card they received from Arsenal, who have only played Carlisle five times in their 130-year existence, that they tweeted a photo of it.

Why would Arsenal send Carlisle a holiday card? Maybe they sent one to every club in England. Maybe they just wanted to show off their goofy reindeer sweaters to as many people as possible. Or maybe someone at the Emirates couldn’t bring themselves to address one to Chelsea and sent it to Carlisle instead. Whatever the case, Arsenal’s response to this tweet only created more questions.

Of all the gifs…why that one?!?! What kind of mind games are you playing here, Arsenal?



Santi Cazorla’s clothing is a silent cry for help

Recognizing a person who needs saving

(Santi Cazorla/Instagram)

Sometimes people need help and just can’t bring themselves to say the words. This is clearly the situation Arsenal midfielder Santi Cazorla finds himself in, as the people who dress him are making his life miserable.

You can plainly see how uncomfortable he looks in this multi-colored denim and leather nightmare he wore to a red carpet event.

And at a photoshoot for Arsenal’s Christmas sweater, he was definitely questioning his life choices (while Mesut Özil enjoyed the garment a bit too much).

https://www.gettyimages.com/license/620865618

And here he is wearing a shirt so garish that he had to cover his eyes with some kind of electronic blinding device.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BH_x9NVg1Dv/?taken-by=santicazorla

Now compare that to how content he looks when finely dressed and surrounded by other footballing gentlemen. He’s filled with the joy of a boy whose older brother lets him hang out with him and his friends at a wedding, even if it’s just so they can see how drunk they can get the poor kid.

I’m afraid that bringing attention to this matter is all I can do, but if you are in a position to better help Santi, please do. I beg. The man is clearly being held hostage by his stylists and sponsors and it must end now.

https://www.instagram.com/p/-UHKShsTqU/?taken-by=santicazorla


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Arsenal beat Burnley with last-second, offside handball goal

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With mere seconds left to play against Burnley, it looked like Arsenal fans were going to get to celebrate Arsene Wenger’s 20th anniversary with the club by continuing their calls for him to be sacked. But Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Laurent Koscielny and the match officials all did what they could to ensure that Wenger didn’t suffer embarrassment by getting him a 1-0 win with an offside, handball goal at the death.

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