It’s time to ban everyone from football

A look at the day’s top stories reveal why it’s definitely time to ban every from football.

-Manchester United’s Jonny Evans and Newcastle’s Papiss Cisse both charged by the FA for spitting at each other (Evans denies it, but Cisse has apologized).

-Man United and Arsenal fans have been caught on video shouting sexist abuse at Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro.

-Chelsea fan have been caught on video being racist. Again.

What’s the common element in all of these incidents? People.

Of course, it’s only a small segment of people wh engage in these abhorrent behaviors at and around football matches. But too many others, who are also people, tolerate it — refusing to use their strength in numbers to condemn and renounce those actively engaging in horribleness. So we should probably just ban everyone.

The alternatives simply aren’t good enough. We could require that everyone from players to coaches and fans wear duct tape over their mouths for the duration of every match, but that would probably just lead to more people using physical violence to express their most deplorable urges. We could also have everyone’s mothers work as stewards at matches like Brazilian side Sport Club do Recife tried last month with great success, but moms have lives too and shouldn’t have to do that on the regular. We could execute offenders in public as a way to dissuade the others, but that brings up a variety of moral and legal issues that are a headache unto themselves.

Clearly the only logical solution is to simply ban everyone from the game. Just think how much more peaceful and enjoyable matches will be without the players, staff, and fans who have the propensity to ruin everything. And while we’re at it, lets ban everyone from FIFA headquarters, too.

People: Definitely the worst.

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