Brazil celebrates one-year anniversary of absolutely nothing happening

All of Brazil is celebrating the one-year anniversary of a day in which absolutely nothing happened within its borders.

According to remaining documents and government records that weren’t lost in synchronized and totally accidental fires, July 8, 2014 was the only day in the nation’s history where there was no crime, no one was upset, and nothing worth remembering happened to anyone. Everything was fine. Gloriously fine.

“July 8, 2014? I think I slept right through it, to be honest,” said one man in Belo Horizonte, who claimed to have had dust in his eyes for the last 365 consecutive days. “I definitely didn’t curse the universe for its incomprehensible cruelty on that day because, as I said, I was too busy sleeping from July 7 until July 9. I guess I was just really tired that day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must keep eating cake and screaming at the sun until the bottomless pit in my soul is filled.”

Despite millions of recollections like this one in Brazil, Germans insist that they beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinal of a 2014 World Cup semifinal on that day. But Brazilians are adamant that this is just a poor attempt at deceptive humor in the same vein as Germany’s popular joke that the city of Bielefeld doesn’t actually exist.

“There was no World Cup in 2014! Brazil has never hosted a World Cup!” shouted a woman in Rio de Janeiro when asked about the German claim. “There was definitely a World Cup in 2010 and World Cups are every four years, so — 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 — there should have been one in 2013, but they didn’t have it because World Cups are stupid and so is anyone who says anything about a 7-1 score! Stupid! Everything is stupid! Why must life be this way?! Why?!”

When reached for comment, a man previously believed to be Brazilian national team defender David Luiz said that he is actually Sideshow Bob from “a reality show called The Simpsons.” He added that he had no idea what football was, let alone how to defend in it. This was later confirmed with a substantial amount of video evidence.

6 comments

  1. lloydr418 says:

    Even though it’s satire, you underestimate how much Brazilians love self-criticism. The entire sports section of Globo has been devoted to memories of 7-1 in every possible detail. The actual response has been to bring it up as often as possible!

  2. Pete says:

    Brazil since 1994:
    4 Confederation Cups

    4 Copa Americas

    2 world Cups

    Spain since 1994:
    2 European Cups

    1 World Cup

    Germany since 1994:
    1 European Cup

    1 World Cup

    • ajl says:

      I’m sure Brazil would hand over every one of those four esteemed Confed Cups to erase that 7-1. Don’t worry, Pete, we all know Brazil can play. That’s what made 7-1 so incredible.

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