Future News: Yaya Toure proposes acceptable level of praise for Yaya Toure

Following his latest complaints of being underappreciated, Yaya Toure has laid out an a comprehensive plan for how the world should praise him properly.

In an interview with L’Equipe, Toure said that his achievements on the pitch have not been recognized as widely as they should, while his shortcomings have been overblown by “lots of bitter people who tried dirty my name. […] When it is bad, they stress it; when it’s good, they leave that in the dungeon. They have always used their little methods to annoy and alienate me.” He also described himself as “the most unloved individual in the Ivory Coast.” Now, he has shared his recommendations on how to rectify this perceived injustice.

“It’s really quite simple,” the Manchester City midfielder told reporters at a specially arranged press conference. “First, I would like every day to be declared International Yaya Toure Day, with a parade in my honor in all the cities of the world each morning. These parades must have balloons and robot Yayas that can teach children algebra. Also, the FIFA video game series should be renamed after me, starting with YAYA 17.”

In 2014, Toure threatened to leave Man City after feeling disrespected when the club failed to celebrate his birthday to his liking. But he believes that if his new plan is put into action, he might feel more satisfied going forward. Unless he doesn’t.

“Police should write citations to anyone who cannot recite my current goal total and explain why it would be unreasonable to expect me to score anymore than that,” Toure added. “And I want a hoverboard like in Back to the Future. But I want to be the only person who has one so when people see me riding it, they say, ‘Wow, there’s Yaya Toure on the only hoverboard in the world. I love him.’ Until all of this happens, I will not be happy. And if I am not happy, I will keep talking about it until everyone else is not happy, too.”

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