Artur Boruc’s Euro 2016 Preview

(Adam Jagielak/Getty Images)
(Adam Jagielak/Getty Images)

AHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS MY EURO 2016 PREVIEW THAT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M DOING!!!!!!! I WILL TELL YOU THINGS ABOUT EVERY TEAM IN THE TOURNAMENT SO YOU CAN HAVE SOMETHING TO READ BEFORE IT BEGINS OR BETWEEN THE MATCHES OR ANY OTHER TIME WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE ARE HAVING DANCE BATTLES WITH SQUIRRELS!!!!!!!

ALBANIA — THEIR FANS HAVE DRONES AND I’M PRETTY SURE LORIK CANA IS A HANDSOME TERMINATOR ROBOT!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AUSTRIA — EVERYONE ON THIS TEAM IS GOING TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO CHRISTIAN FUCHS CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT HOW LEICESTER CITY WON THE PREMIER LEAGUE ON 5000-1 ODDS AND IT’S GOING TO BE AWFUL!!!!!!! MARKO ARNAUTOVIC WILL SHAVE HIS EYEBROWS WHILE HE SLEEPS!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BELGIUM — IT’S HARD TO STOP LUKAKU AND DE BRUYNE AND HAZARD WHEN MAROUANE FELLAINI IS ELBOWING YOU IN THE HEAD LIKE THERE’S A PRIZE INSIDE IT!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!

CROATIA — LUKA MODRIC IS ADORABLE!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!

CZECH REPUBLIC — THEY WON IT IN 1976 AND REACHED THE FINAL IN 1996!!!!!!!! THIS IS ALSO A YEAR THAT ENDS IN A 6!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!

ENGLAND — THEY HAVE A LOT OF YOUNG PLAYERS WHO WILL EITHER PERFORM VERY WELL OR MAKE FUN OF THEIR OPPONENTS ON WHATSAPP!!!!!!! MAYBE BOTH!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!

FRANCE — THEY’VE WON THE LAST TWO TOURNAMENTS THEY’VE HOSTED AND CONVENIENTLY LEFT KARIM BENZEMA OUT OF THE SQUAD SO HE CAN COVERTLY BLACKMAIL THE MATCH OFFICIALS WITH THEIR SEXTAPES!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

GERMANY — THEY ARE GERMANY!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!

HUNGARY — EVERYONE’S GOING TO MAKE THE SAME OLD HUNGARY/HUNGRY PUNS AND I HATE PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ICELAND — HOW CAN A NATION WITH SUCH A SMALL POPULATION BE THIS GOOD!??!?!?!!? AHHHHHHH THEY MUST BE A PART OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!! DO THEY EVEN HAVE CORN IN ICELAND?!!??! I DON’T KNOW BUT THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT THE PERFECT COVER FOR THE KERNELED MENACE!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITALY — THEY DON’T LOOK THAT GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NORTHERN IRELAND — WILL GRIGG IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!! THAT MEANS HE AND I HAVE A LOT IN COMMON BECAUSE I LITERALLY JUST DROPPED A LIT FLARE DOWN MY PANTS AND I HAVE NO INTENTION OF PUTTING OUT THE FLAMES!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

POLAND — MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI ASKED IF I COULD GET TICKETS TO OUR MATCHES FOR HIM AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAID “YES I BELIEVE SO DAN” BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I HAD SESAME SEEDS STUCK IN BOTH MY EYES AND I HAD NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THEM A NICE AIRBNB NEAR OUR HOTEL!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ALL SAID “THANK YOU ARTUR” AND WISHED ME GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!! SO NOW I HAVE ALL THE LUCK OF AN IDIOT AND HIS GOOBER OFFSPRING ON MY SIDE!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PORTUGAL — PEPE!!!!!!!!!!!! HE STILL EXISTS!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REPUBLIC OF IRELAND — ROY KEANE IS GOING TO MAKE SOMEONE ON THIS TEAM CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROMANIA — THEY CONCEDED THE FEWEST GOALS IN QUALIFYING AND ONE TIME I LOST MY KEYS THERE!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!

RUSSIA — LEONID SLUTSKY WILL FIGURATIVELY KICK YOU IN THE TEETH!!!!!!!!!! BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE THE PHYSICAL DEXTERITY HE USED TO!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!

SLOVAKIA — THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY BUT THAT INFORMATION IS IRRELEVANT SINCE THE TOURNAMENT ISN’T BEING PLAYED THERE!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!

SPAIN — SERGIO RAMOS MAKES ME FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!

SWEDEN — IF I SEE ONE MORE COMPILATION OF ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC’S GREATEST QUOTES I AM GOING TO PUNCH THE SUN WITH MY NECK AND THEN ERASE EVERY VHS COPY OF WRESTLEMANIA IX LEFT IN EXISTENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWITZERLAND — THEY’RE OK I GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TURKEY — THERE’S A HUNGARY TEAM OUT THERE AND THEY MIGHT HAVE A TASTE FOR TURKEY!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!! OH GOD I JUST DID THE THING I HATE!!!!!!! MY PANTS FLAMES CANNOT ENGULF MY BODY SOON ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!

UKRAINE — THERE WERE ONLY EIGHT TEAMS IN THIS TOURNAMENT AS RECENTLY AS 1992!!!!!!! NOW THERE ARE THREE TIMES AS MANY!!!!!!!! THIS PREVIEW COULD HAVE BEEN OVER A LONG TIME AGO BUT INSTEAD IT’S STILL GOING AND LIKE EVERY OTHER PREVIEW EVER WRITTEN IT WILL IMMEDIATELY BECOME USELESS AS SOON AS THE TOURNAMENT BEGINS!!!!!!!! MAYBE EVEN SOONER!!!!!!!! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH UKRAINE SPECIFICALLY!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!

WALES — PEOPLE THINK THEY’RE ONLY AS GOOD AS GARETH BALE BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!!!!!!!!! YOU ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO BALE AND SUDDENLY JOE ALLEN JUMPS OUT OF NOWHERE AND THROWS HIS PET CHICKEN AT YOU!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY EURO 2016 PREVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

11 comments

  1. M says:

    I’m not gonna say I cried tears of joy when I saw this, but it was a close thing.

    The tears came when I read about Iceland’s corn conspiracy 😂

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