FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME! IT’S COMING HOME! IT’S COMING HOME! IT’S COMING HOOOOOME!

After looking like they were going to fuck it up like aways, England beat Tunisia—who are the best national team in Tunisia—thanks to two goals from that beautiful slackjawed, Saving Private Ryan looking goal machine Garry Kane, including the winner he headed in during added time. If I have a 19th child, and I want to recognize it’s existence, I will name it Garry in his honor. What a man!

England’s first goal came early on, before they realized that they’re England at a World Cup. Then Style Walker elbowed a Tunisian lad in the face to concede a penalty and say “Alright, we’re here, but we’ve all got holidays booked from the first week of July.” But Big Mouth Garry Kane said, “You can go on that holiday by yourself, Style. The rest of us have got a World Cup to win.” And then he headed in the winner and I drank 66 pints, punched a dentist in the neck, then blacked out and woke up to write this. What a match.

Tunisia weren’t the only thing England beat that night. They also overcame the plague of mosquitos that Putin ordered to attack our boys as they played, knowing that we are the greatest threat to his attempt to hack the World Cup with his army of trained computer wizard bears.

Some twunts have tried to say that Hakeem Sterling had a poor performance, but he was easily the MFotM—the Midge Fighter of the Match.

Meanwhile, Kane just swallowed them by the loads to fuel his match-winning performance.

With those three points secure, it’s just a waiting game to see who England will face in the final, so the team have apparently decided to do a bunch of LSD and ride around the hotel pool on some floaty unicorns until it’s time to face Brazil or whoever.

Football: It’s coming home.