The 2016 Champions League final ended with a Cristiano Ronaldo penalty and a lot of utterly exhausted players. But what if the match had not gone to a shootout and instead continued with even more extra time?
Author: Brooks Peck
This is Sam Allardyce dancing the night away
‘My mates DJing in Marbella’ the greatest text anyone could ever receive courtesy of @JakeyYDG pic.twitter.com/cdQ6OHSnbz
— Matthew Chapman (@Matt_Chappp) May 29, 2016
This is a video of Sunderland manager Sam Allardyce going hard in Marbella, Spain after saving his club from relegation. Presumably this was filmed before he started rolling on Molly, stripped naked, and slathered himself in BBQ sauce.
If you want to compare his moves to those of other Premier League level dancers, here’s Roberto Martinez in action at a Jason Derulo concert and Peter Crouch going HAM in Ibiza…
The memorable images of the 2016 Champions League final
Real Madrid beat Atletico Madrid on penalties to lift the Champions League trophy for the second time in three years. Though much of the game was utterly forgettable dreck, there were several images that will remain forever ingrained upon our memories for better or worse.
Conspiracy Theory: Lionel Messi is paying Cristiano Jr. to troll his father
Carlo Ancelotti really does have a part in Star Trek Beyond
Back in October, there were rumors that Carlo Ancelotti was set for a cameo role in the next Star Trek film, which was filming in Vancouver — where Ancelotti took up residence after getting sacked by Real Madrid at the end of the 2014/15 season. Though his IMDB page has yet to be updated to reflect this, we now have confirmation from the man himself.
I refuse to own tassel loafers, Cristiano Ronaldo
One of my picks for the warm days ahead of us! Tassel loafers are a must have. Check it now https://t.co/Yu7rvgpkQf pic.twitter.com/iXsRjcyANL
— Cristiano Ronaldo (@Cristiano) May 25, 2016
This is one place where you and I disagree, Cristiano. I do not feel it necessary to own tassel loafers. Not even a little bit. As far as I’m concerned, tassels are for draperies and graduation caps.
Götze and Balotelli are together on the Island of Misfit Marios
Mario Götze is 23 years old and the scorer of the winning goal in the 2014 World Cup final. But this season, as Bayern Munich won the domestic double, Götze only made 21 appearances and scored only six goals — career lows in both categories. He would like to stay with the club, but Bayern CEO Karl-Heinz Rummenigge has publicly said “No one here wants you. We told you that. Why are you doing this?” (Not his exact words.)
Sergio Ramos compares Champions League final to sex because he’s Sergio Ramos
In what can only be seen as an attempt to fuel the production of fan fiction about himself, Sergio Ramos has compared playing in the Champions League final to having sex.
From the Guardian:
“The first time is like when you make love: you always remember it … but then it’s true that you can improve because to start with you’re a disaster,” Ramos joked.
“The first time always has a special taste. I was the protagonist for a great goal,” he said. “But I am optimistic, very ambitious, and I prefer to keep turning the page and adding [trophies] to my CV. Hopefully I will have the chance to lift the trophy.”
Jokes about first sexual experiences usual involve references to quick finishes, but Ramos’ equalizer in the 2014 final came in the 93rd minute, setting up Real Madrid’s extra-time goalkakke.
He better hope this first-time success doesn’t make him overconfident and lead him to score at the wrong end in the rematch against Atletico. Because accident anal is definitely the sexual equivalent to an own goal.
Jose Mourinho leaves his house
Jose Mourinho has left his house. He could be going to sign his Manchester United contract. Or to buy a gift for Louis van Gaal, his dear friend whose job he specifically campaigned for over the last six consecutive months. Is he thinking about which players he will sign? He’s probably contemplating which players he’ll sell. Or maybe he’s thinking about the players he will buy and then sell!
John Terry is living life to its fullest
With a miserable season behind him and one last hard fought Chelsea contract extension now signed, John Terry is enjoying life and sharing this enjoyment with his Instagram followers. Above is video of a smiling Terry ziplining with his wife in Dubai, set to R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.” If this doesn’t inspire Chelsea to a treble next season, I don’t know what will.