Category: Germany

Hoffenheim v Cologne was one big gum fight

It started with Hoffenheim’s Eduardo Vargas and Philipp Ochs putting Vargas’ chewed up gum behind the ear of the player who failed to keep the ball in the air during the pre-match warm-ups. This is gross enough.

But late in the match, Cologne’s sporting director, Jörg Schmadtke got in on the gum play by throwing his at Hoffenheim manager Julian Nagelsmann.

From the Guardian:

The incident happened after Hoffenheim equalised in the 90th minute through Kevin Volland while Cologne’s Lukas Klünter was lying injured on the pitch. Schmadtke and the coach, Peter Stöger, jumped up in fury before the former took a chewing gum out of his mouth and threw it in the direction of the 28-year-old Nagelsmann.

The chewing gum missed but Schmadtke still apologised afterwards. “Yes, I threw it. It was a reaction. I have already phoned up the Hoffenheim sporting director, Alexander Rosen, and apologised. I am sorry.”

Everyone just needs to keep their gum in their mouths from now on. Deal?

Papy Djilobodji banned for amusing throat slit gesture

Werder Bremen defender Papy Djilobodji (on loan from Chelsea) did the old pro wrestling face rake move on a Mainz opponent on Saturday and when the guy went to ground, he looked at the downed man and ran his finger across his throat because…I have no idea why.

Djilobodji was shown a yellow card during the match, but the referee missed this gesture, so the Bundesliga reviewed it and handed him a three-match ban.

Still, the question of why he did this in the first place remains. Was it pent-up aggression from spending so much time on Chelsea’s bench earlier this season? Was to signal his finishing move? Did the Mainz player make a disparaging remark about Leonardo DiCaprio’s performance in The Revenant? Who knows.

UPDATE: Djilobodji successfully appealed his punishment and got it reduced to a two-match ban and €15,000 fine. He likely accomplished this by staring down the DFB disciplinary board and making a throat slitting gesture.

Max Kruse dropped by Germany after losing poker winnings and eating too much Nutella

If I told you there was a Wolfsburg striker who has fined €25,000 for losing €75,000 in poker winnings he left in the back of a taxi, called out by his manager for eating too much Nutella, and dropped by his national team for demonstrating a lack of focus, you would almost certainly assume I was talking about Nicklas Bendtner. But all of this has actually happened to Max Kruse, who seems to have contracted a full blown case of Bendtneritis.

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Thomas Müller doesn’t want Xabi Alonso to be cold

After playing 120 minutes in Bayern’s incredible comeback against Juventus and being scarred for life by Pep Guardiola threatening to cut his balls off on Wednesday, Thomas Müller was given the day off Saturday as the Bundesliga leaders faced Cologne. As a result, his focus went from scoring goals to caring for his teammates on the bench.

When Xabi Alonso came off in the second half, Müller was there to tenderly wrap him in a coat so he wouldn’t get cold.

“Karim Benzema never did that for me,” Xabi thought.

Nicklas Bendtner, the king of dumb fines, gets fined for Instagram photo

On my way to another session

A photo posted by Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtner3) on

Leave it to Nicklas Bendtner to get fined by his club for an Instagram picture of himself preparing to go to a training session. The Danish striker previously fined €100,000 by UEFA for showing his sponsored underpants after scoring a goal at Euro 2012 has now been fined an undisclosed amount by Wolfsburg for posting a picture of himself getting into a Mercedes. This is a problem because Wolfsburg’s shirt sponsor is Volkswagen.

From Sky Sports:

“We have our rules, one of those being that you must pay attention to how you are photographed in public,” said Wolfsburg’s director of sport Klaus Allofs.

“The rules are not new.

“It’s misconduct and it’s careless, which at the end of the day will cost [Bendtner] money.”

The image was posted three days ago, but Bendtner still hasn’t taken it down. Perhaps Mercedes are making it worth his while, just as the bookmaker that sponsored his underwear did.

DTotD: HSV player headbutts teammate during training

A poorly timed challenge from Michael Gregoritsch on teammate Ivo Ilicevic angered Ilicevic to the point of headbutting the young winger.

Headbutt aside, Gregoritsch was the one who limped away from the challenge, apparently hurting himself more than Ilicevic. But Ilicevic’s retaliation wasn’t tolerated by manager Bruno Labbadia, who suspended him for Sunday’s match against Cologne as punishment.

Who knew headbutting your own teammates would be frowned upon?

This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events. 

Xabi Alonso scores wonder goals, plays air guitar

From growing a beard to scoring goals to playing air guitar, Xabi Alonso does everything with style.

On the pitch, he demonstrated this by scoring his first goal of the season with a thumping volley from distance to give Bayern a 1-0 win over Darmstadt in the DFB Pokal. And if you thought it might’ve been a lucky strike, well, Xabi has news for you.

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Borussia Dortmund’s Yellow Wall performs loudest rendition of “Jingle Bells”

Feeling festive after their 4-1 win over Eintracht Frankfurt (even Mats Hummels got a goal!), Borussia Dortmund’s famous Yellow Wall did a boisterous rendition of “Jingle Bells” with the players that would put the Grinch himself in the spirit of the season.

Yellow Wall > Cristiano Ronaldo’s house.