As a waking nightmare of a season nears its merciful end, Aston Villa decided that now was the time to change their badge in preparation for relegation. Speaking of which, the word “PREPARED” is noticeably absent from the new badge. While most would assume this is simply a correction based on their lack of preparedness all season, the club offered some other reasons.
Fernando “Barcelona Can Call Me Daddy” Torres scored and then was booked twice all in a span of 10 minutes before Barca came back to beat Atletico Madrid 2-1 in the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal.
There have been many stories of Zlatan Ibrahimovic playfully abusing his teammates over the years, but what sets Thiago Silva’s latest tale apart is that the victim is Rino Gattuso, another man known for his ferocity, albeit of the more compact variety.
I have no idea what kind of sorcery the goalkeeper uses to keep this penalty out during a match between Gloria and Internacional in Brazil and neither does he. This is some Jason Bourne “my body just does this and I don’t know why but now you’re dead” type stuff.
If anything, this is more terrifying than a goalkeeper who consciously stops penalties because you can’t deceive a goalkeeper who does his best work when he’s been deceived. Fear him.
Video via Ryan Lloyd
So you’ve been hired to be Chelsea’s newest manager. Congratulations! There are only a few dozen people every year who get to experience this honor. Now that you have the job, your primary focus undoubtedly moves to keeping the players happy. After all, these are Chelsea players — a group known to mercilessly chew up and spit out managers who dare to upset them. Even successful ones they once loved.
Getting them to like you (and keeping it that way) won’t be easy, but here are some tips to help you make it happen:
It started with Hoffenheim’s Eduardo Vargas and Philipp Ochs putting Vargas’ chewed up gum behind the ear of the player who failed to keep the ball in the air during the pre-match warm-ups. This is gross enough.
But late in the match, Cologne’s sporting director, Jörg Schmadtke got in on the gum play by throwing his at Hoffenheim manager Julian Nagelsmann.
From the Guardian:
The incident happened after Hoffenheim equalised in the 90th minute through Kevin Volland while Cologne’s Lukas Klünter was lying injured on the pitch. Schmadtke and the coach, Peter Stöger, jumped up in fury before the former took a chewing gum out of his mouth and threw it in the direction of the 28-year-old Nagelsmann.
The chewing gum missed but Schmadtke still apologised afterwards. “Yes, I threw it. It was a reaction. I have already phoned up the Hoffenheim sporting director, Alexander Rosen, and apologised. I am sorry.”
Everyone just needs to keep their gum in their mouths from now on. Deal?
Que feio, Hajradinovic! Ele se fez de louco, mas nós sabemos por que foi expulso. E o goleiro DO PRÓPRIO TIME também pic.twitter.com/8JQuXFwzqh
— Non Sense Football (@NSenseFootball) April 4, 2016
In a Norwegian Tippeligaen match between Haugesund and Stromsgodset, alliterative midfielder Haris Hajradinovic conceded a penalty, angering his goalkeeper, Per Kristian Bratveit. Well, Hajradinovic didn’t appreciate Bratveit’s criticism, so he shoved him away. And when Bratveit didn’t back down, Hajradinovic shoved him in the face. This earned him a red card.
Bratveit went on to save the ensuing penalty, but Haugesund still lost 2-0. According to the Guardian, this indiscriminate violence is becoming the club’s MO. They already have two red cards and 11 yellows in their first three matches this season. Sergio Ramos could fit in nicely with them.
This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.
When Loic Remy went down with an injury during Chelsea’s visit to Villa Park, Guus Hiddink opted to give Pato his first appearance in a Chelsea shirt two months after joining the club on loan from Corinthians. This came a surprise to many, including fellow forgotten man on the Chelsea bench: Falcao.
Real Madrid came from behind against Barcelona to win 2-1 despite Sergio Ramos getting sent off in the 83rd minute. The Clasico win changed very little in La Liga, as Barca maintain a six-point lead over Atletico Madrid and a seven-point lead over Real, but we still have to ask “What if it continued?”
Hoping distract Newcastle defender Daryl Janmaat just before a corner kick, Norwich’s Steven Naismith decided to pick at the Dutchman’s penis like it was a bass string.
