Tag: conspiracy theories

The solutions to Chelsea’s “penalty puzzle”

Earlier this week, Chelsea’s official website published an unusual article highlighting the low number of penalties awarded to them this season (spoiler: it’s two).

Filed in the “news” section, the article was simply titled, “Penalty Puzzle,” which seems to imply a link to manager Jose Mourinho’s belief that there is a sinister conspiracy actively working against his team. Because puzzles are purposefully arranged circumstances and not the result of mere coincidence, which is something that doesn’t exist. In fact, that’s probably not even a real word.

During his Friday press conference, Mourinho discussed the article. From the Telegraph:

“Our two closest challengers in the Premier League this season, Manchester City and Arsenal, have both been awarded seven penalties, the most in the division,” said the article. “Last term the two teams that finished above us, Man City and Liverpool, were awarded more penalties than any other team bar us.

“Of course it could be that when teams have played the league leaders they have been particularly careful inside their own area. We all have plenty of recollections suggesting this is not the case however.”

Mourinho went on to say that he thinks it was “a very objective article” and “not an opinion article that can lead to discussions. It’s just the numbers.”

Every puzzle has a solution, though. And this one has several.

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Conspiracy Theory: Harry Kane is a character designed by the FA and a marketing company

Harry Kane, the 21-year-old Spurs striker currently enjoying a run of form to rival Lionel Messi’s for best in the world, is not the person he seems to be. Of course, that’s easy to say when most observers of the game only just learned of his existence this season, but the creation of “Harry Kane” has been more than a decade in the making. And the objective is to produce the perfect mix of talent and benign likability in order to further propel the Premier League and English football to even greater financial and sporting success.

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Conspiracy Theory: Opposing teams actively trying to beat Chelsea

Thanks to Jose Mourinho’s bold commitment to exposing the truth, we have already established that ball boys are conspiring against Chelsea. And after last weekend’s controversy in which Cesc Fabregas was booked for diving when he should have been awarded a decisive penalty in Chelsea’s 1-1 draw at Southampton, he has now revealed that the club’s list of enemies extends far beyond a few snot-nosed kids with complete, unchecked control of the flow of balls onto the pitch.

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Conspiracy Theory: Powerful Ball Boy Cabal determined to sabotage Chelsea

Everyone knows that the biggest villains in the game are the corrupt FIFA executives headed by scoundrel president Sepp Blatter. This is exactly what the ball boys want you to think. In truth, these evil, duplicitous children have been quietly pulling the strings from just behind the advertising hoardings for decades. The frail, confused old men they’ve propped up at the top of the sport’s governing body are nothing more than elderly puppets.

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has figured this out and has bravely attempted to reveal the ball boys’ iron-fisted control over everything that happens in football.

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