RIP David Alaba

Talented young footballer David Alaba tragically died during a Bayern Munich training session when teammate Rafinha mercilessly nutmegged him into oblivion. He was 24 years old.

Alaba’s teammates carried his lifeless body off to the side so they could resume training and his spirit could quietly endure an eternity of embarrassment. He is survived by his BFF Franck Ribery.

In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to donate to the David Alaba Memorial Fund, which aims to help footballers who have survived nutmeggings assume new identities in remote villages where the sport doesn’t exist.