Long-time Dirty Tackle contributor Dimitar Berbatov hung up his boots (and his mayonnaise filled gloves) after a 20-year footballing career and now he’s passing the time by narrating some of his greatest goals on his Instagram account. I would do the same thing, but 1) I can’t be bothered to start an Instagram, and 2) All footage of the goals I scored over my career has been confiscated as part of an ongoing match-fixing investigation.
Anyway, Berbatov’s commentary is brilliant. His confidence, knowledge, and his use of the word “fuck” really set him apart from the numpties who do commentary on the tele. Have a look:
“Simple as fuck and so beautiful” is a perfect description of the game at its finest and how Victoria Beckham once described her husband to me after I convinced him to try and start an MLS team in Miami, Florida.
Anyways, Go to The Berba’s Instagram for the goal commentary and stay for the photos of him posing with unsettling portraits of himself.
Promoting a charity match with a bit of humor and creativity
Dimitar Berbatov’s love of The Godfather has been well documented. He’s said he learned English by watching the films, he debuted his exceptional impression of Vito Corleone a few years ago, and he’s even done drawings of the character. During his season without a club, it seems Dimitar has been further refining his “Don Berbatore” character for a scene with his seven-year-old daughter, Dea, to promote an upcoming charity match he’s hosting with Luis Figo.
Berbatov reworks the opening scene of the first Godfather film, where Bonasera the undertaker asks the Don for a favor on the day of his daughter’s wedding. And it’s genuinely quite clever. For example, instead of a cat, The Berba strokes his Premier League golden boot award. Watch:
Another few years without playing football and he’ll probably recreate the whole trilogy. Maybe Francis Coppola will see this and take a stab at a Part IV with Berbatov in the lead role.
Retired Norway international Brede Hangeland appeared on the Heia Fotboll podcast and shared some truly brilliant tales about modern football’s kings of chill Emmanuel Adebayor and our old pal Dimitar “The Continental” Berbatov.
While discussing the laziest players he came across during his playing days, the former Fulham and Crystal Palace defender shared two anecdotes about Adebayor—one when they were opponents and one when they were teammates at Palace. First, a tale I’m calling “A Valued Opinion” (via ESPN):
“This was incredible … Fulham was attacking and I was standing by the halfway line marking Adebayor, and he says to me: ‘Ah, I’m hungry,’” Hangeland said. “I said, ‘What?’ He said ‘I’m hungry. I can’t wait for the game to finish. I want to go to a restaurant. Do you know a good restaurant in London, Hangeland?’ In all my years, I’ve never had the kind of conversation I had in the centre circle at White Hart Lane.”
This is a stroke of genius from Adebayor for two reasons: 1) He gets a line on a good post-match meal. And 2) He totally mindfucks an opposing defender. This exchange clearly burrowed deep into Hangeland’s head, not just for its strangeness, but for the fact that Adebayor was playing for the home side at the time. This is like if you have a guest to your house and ask them if they can recommend a good restaurant in your neighborhood. While you play Mario Kart against them. It’s going to throw them for a loop.
Hangeland’s second Adebayor story further proves this next-level brilliance.
“When we had strength training, he would sit in the weight room on a chair with a cup of coffee and a muffin,” the Norwegian said. “We knew that he was being paid by three clubs at the same time [Manchester City, Tottenham and Palace] … and he was sitting in the gym drinking coffee.”
Getting paid by three clubs at the same time to drink coffee and eat muffins instead of training. This is a person who has life figured out in a way few people do. But, according to Hangeland, one of those few is Dimitar Berbatov.
“I have never seen a man get so many massages. I’m sure he spent more time getting massages than he did training, guaranteed,” Hangeland said. “Because the guy who would give the massages was a good friend of mine.”
It should come as no surprise that The Berba is someone who enjoys a good, long massage (perhaps using mayonnaise as a sensual body grease). In fact, the only part of this that does surprise me is that he wasn’t smoking while he was being massaged.
Anyway, both Adebayor and Berbatov were members of the Premier League Team of the Year during their careers and Brede Hangeland wasn’t. So let this be a lesson on working hard versus working smart.
We haven’t heard much from our old friend Dimitar Berbatov (a.k.a. …The Continental…) since he joined Greek club PAOK last summer. He’s scored five goals in 19 appearances, but he was also shown his first red card in 14 years for elbowing an opponent in the head after coming off the bench on Sunday. So, naturally, he has followed this incident up by interviewing himself for his Facebook page. Seriously. This is something he has actually done for real.
I see you’ve caught me taking a selfie at my PAOK unveiling. Yes, all these people are here to see The Berba and breathe in my intoxicating scent. … No, that’s not Zlatan’s new cologne. It’s pure Berba-musk. And whiff of unseen mayonnaise. Ha-HA!
I see you’ve caught me scoring against Arsenal at the Emirates. Yet again. This was an especially satisfying conquest since few people gave Monaco a chance. But like when I pop out of your oversized birthday cake completely nude, we gave them quite the surprise. Ha-HA!
I see you’ve been caught smoking again. I’ve been caught smoking, too. But there is one very important difference between you and I in these situations. I look suave and debonair while doing it (as I do whenever I do anything), whereas you look like a truant schoolboy who tells his parents to shut up whenever they say hello to his friends. This is part of the reason why you get in trouble for these things and I do not.
I see you’ve caught me trying my hardest at football. Of course, we both know that I’m capable of scoring from this position. And we also both know that when I say that I’m referring to sex. And goals. Because I do both of those things a lot. And no, not just when I’m alone. Ha-HA!
