Conspiracy Theory: Opposing teams actively trying to beat Chelsea

Thanks to Jose Mourinho’s bold commitment to exposing the truth, we have already established that ball boys are conspiring against Chelsea. And after last weekend’s controversy in which Cesc Fabregas was booked for diving when he should have been awarded a decisive penalty in Chelsea’s 1-1 draw at Southampton, he has now revealed that the club’s list of enemies extends far beyond a few snot-nosed kids with complete, unchecked control of the flow of balls onto the pitch.

“The media, commentators, other managers are all doing it [putting pressure on referees],” Mourinho told BBC Sport after the Southampton match that included his team’s fifth yellow card for diving in 2014 — more than any other club in Europe’s top five domestic leagues.

He later added: “There is a campaign against Chelsea. I don’t know why there is this campaign and I do not care.”

But it’s not just the ball boys, referees, media, commentators, and other managers who are out to get Chelsea. Though intensive and highly dangerous research, I can confirm that each and every one of Chelsea’s opponents are trying their hardest to make them lose. And not just once in a while, either. If these devious bands of footballers had it their way, they would beat Chelsea every single time they face them. It’s as if they only care about themselves and have total disregard for how their actions impact Chelsea.

As a result of this rampant ill-will, Chelsea have failed to win five of their 19 Premier League matches so far this season, leaving the Blues all the way down in first place.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking that this is crazy. That there’s no way opposing teams could possibly want to do this to Chelsea with such alarming frequency. Well, as it turns out, many of them freely admit their nefarious desires to the press, who, as part of the Campaign Against Chelsea™, print these comments in order to desensitize the public to the evil at work.

“No games are easy but Newcastle beat Chelsea so why can’t we beat them?” Spurs’ Nacer Chadli said ahead of their New Year’s day fixture against Chelsea, without any repercussions whatsoever.

Before that, Southampton manager Ronald Koeman all but laid out how Chelsea would be unjustly denied a penalty when he said, “Chelsea have fantastic foot­ball players but it’s 11 against 11 and we will try to do everything to win that game.” Everything! That includes secretly pressuring the refs to issue wrong punishments. Just as the ball boys want it. Sickening.

And it goes on and on. Before every match, Chelsea’s opponents announce their desire to win and no one does anything about it, leaving Mourinho and his squad of highly paid and extremely talented footballers to fend for themselves.

Sadly, this seems likely to continue throughout the remainder of the season. Chelsea will play each match expecting to coast to another unobstructed and fully deserved victory and, despite Mourinho’s protests and attempts to expose the campaign against them, their opponents will try to ruin that by winning themselves — or at least splitting points — even when they don’t deserve to (which is always). And all they’ll get for this treatment is a trophy or four. Because that’s the kind of unjust world we live in.


  1. Jeffrey says:

    Breaking news: In spite of the Spurs defence trying to hand glorious victory to Jose several Lillywhite conspirators snuck five into the Chelsea goal.

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