Nicklas Bendtner scores first international hat trick, shames the USA

Nicklas Bendtner scored a hat trick to help Denmark come from behind to beat the United States 3-2 in a friendly and now it’s all over.

Jozy Altidore gave the U.S. a lead in the 19th minute, but Bendtner equalized in the 33rd. Aron Johannsson then gave the U.S. another lead in the 66th minute, but Bendtner equalized again in the 83rd minute and slotted in a skillful volley in added time for the death blow (video above). One that continued a trend that has plagued the U.S. throughout Jurgen Klinsmann’s post-World Cup tinkering.

Though it was just a friendly and the U.S. were again employing an experimental squad, when you become the first nation to concede a hat trick to a man that the internet, and now even Danish newspapers, mockingly refer to as “Lord Bendtner,” the honorable thing to do is to shut it all down and focus exclusively on the far more respectable women’s team, which has never conceded a hat trick to Nicklas Bendtner. 

Repeatedly surpassing expectations in major tournaments and proving a formidable opponent for the world’s best in matches with some semblance of meaning to them was delightful, but you simply can’t come back from an embarrassment as extreme as this. Again: Nicklas Bendtner. Hat trick. In a friendly.

Thankfully, most of the U.S. men’s team are also eligible to play for Germany, Mexico, or Iceland, so they can pursue spots in those teams going forward. Jurgen Klinsmann, meanwhile, will be exiled from civilized society for obviously being a fraud who knows nothing about anything.

RIP U.S. men’s national team. Gone too soon.


  1. Switchblade Smiles says:

    To be fair, nobody shut Porto down after this happened:

    I personally don’t rate Altidore highly, and last year he scored twice against Nigeria in a pre-World Cup warm-up. They then went on to exceed my expectations and lose me a bet. I wouldn’t read too much into this…

    • Jennifer says:

      Bendtner scoring a hat trick was a sign of the Apocalypse to begin with. Throw in Altidore . . . ay yi yi!

      (I wonder if the hat trick got Bendtner some free pizza.)

  2. Fellaini'sFro says:

    Why wouldn’t the most confident man in the world according to psychological tests done by Arsenal score a hat trick against the US. I’m pretty sure he thinks Zlatan has nothing on him.

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