Category: USA

REVEALED: The unofficial template for USSF members to express outrage at USSF

[YOUR NAME AND TITLE HERE] STATEMENT ON [SOMETHING MESSED UP THAT USSF DID RE: THE USWNT]

When I saw the media reports of [something that the United States Soccer Federation did that I, a board member and very important person within the United States Soccer Federation assuredly already knew about], I was shocked, appalled, angry, and [some other word that basically means the same thing]. I have made these feelings clear to [the person allegedly higher up than me on the USSF food chain, who will hopefully be taking the fall for this] in no uncertain terms, and expressed that we must reverse this [course of action, which, again, I already knew about].

These actions do not reflect my personal views, nor the views that we should espouse as the leaders of soccer in the United States. On a personal level, as a father of daughters [or child of a mother/person who once saw a woman in a movie/whatever], I find these [actions which I supported when we began pursuing them, because I am on the board, and everything gets run by us] to be demeaning and despicable. I want my daughters [or daughters I could theoretically have on a separate plane of existence in the multiverse] to grow up believing they can do anything in the world, that they are every bit as talented and special as any man [a belief I would never have held if I had not had a daughter, or need for something resembling decent PR]. Those are values that everyone in [USSF, MLS, SUM, some other acronym that really rolls right off the tongue] should hold. The USWNT are world champions, and deserve nothing but our utmost respect [and only our respect, because if you think we’re going to willingly pay them more, you’re out of your goddamn mind].

I plan to immediately [a word that implies serious action, but can’t be verified] the [person who better be taking the fall] about this issue, and hope to find a swift resolution with our women’s soccer team [of whom I can name roughly seven].

Several excellent rebrand options for “toxic” CONCACAF

Three of CONCACAF’s last four presidents currently face criminal charges from the U.S. Department of Justice (the fourth was merely banned from all football activities for trying to overstep his authority), so the North and Central American governing body’s new president, Victor Montagliani, thinks it’s time to sweep all of their dirt back under the rug with a rebrand.

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Bruce Arena thinks MLS teams flying commercial damages the league’s reputation

As a young, rapidly growing league that seeks to position itself among the world’s best, MLS often struggles reconciling its caviar dreams with its Big Mac realities. While world famous players like David Villa and Kaka make millions, the league’s minimum salary for players under 25 years old is still just $36,500.

Given the more “average Joe” wages of the lower end of the league’s talent and the minuscule salary cap of $3.49 million per team, it might make sense that MLS clubs fly commercial — something that LA Galaxy coach Bruce Arena finds embarrassing. So embarrassing that he tells his players not to wear team apparel in airports so as not to draw attention to their commoner status.

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Didier Drogba had to be held back from New York fans after loss

Didier Drogba had a pretty miserable Saturday. First, he had to watch Arsenal embarrass Chelsea 3-0. This alone was enough to share a catty tweet aimed at Theo Walcott implying that if he was still at Chelsea, the result would have been different.

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Landon Donovan’s Unretirement of Epic Broportions

landybro

WHAT. IS. GOOD.

LD BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK UP IN THIS LA GALAXY THING AHHHHHHHH!!!

Apologies for that fuego landing, but your boy has been rum and stoked straight up since lunch at the prospect of making the most epic unretirement comeback in the history of American soccer this weekend at the Stub. Let’s fuggin’ talk about it.

Why L-Deezy? Why did you have to go all American Soccer Jesus on us? Because I felt like it. Plus changing Talon’s diapers is a really whack activity. I love being a dad but that dude’s butt is on some other stuff. But you should expect that when you name you prince after a rad-ass pterodactyl body part.

Anyway, when my man was born I insisted off the rip on a diet solely comprised of Gerber’s peaches and avocado toast — but some garbaggio doctor said that it wasn’t a good idea. Whatever — it actually isn’t my problem anymore, doc. Now all I do is go to training, boss up, get a few ill tocas in with the lads, then go home and we just post up and watch old Dave Matthews Band concert videos and play “dress the kid up like Bob Ley.” That’s the parenting sweet spot. Take notes, America. Thank you, Bruce Arena.

Number 26? Yeah, bro. Good old Deuce-Seis. One of the more visually chill two-digit numbers on the entire number line. Plus Talon was born on that day of the month. Word.

Position? I don’t really care. It means nothing to me. I learned in Cambodia that positions are just false jails that soccer players are put in. This, I believe, also applies to international rosters and non-rosters. (Side note: I bet watching my announcement video made Jurgen Klinsmann sprinkle his lederhosen.) So what if they moved one of the best central midfielders in the league to loft me back into the lion’s den? That’s what you do for a #LegenD. And it’s gonna be dope.

Personal Benefits? Potentially have two jersey numbers retired in the Galaxy Constellation of Champions at the Intergalactic Planetary and Space Museum. Potentially win a league MVP award named after myself. Probably get Stevie G to make funny faces at things because he’s a full English breakfast and was already afraid if I came back I’d be mowing his tea and crumpets on the team sheet.

Definitely gonna dap up my boy the Soccer Don again, tho. Oh and b-t-dubs: no take backs on those retirement gifts.

Previously: Landon Donovan’s Retirement Adventure of Epic Broportions 

Landon Donovan comes out of retirement after Steven Gerrard jokes about how thankful he is that Landon Donovan retired

Steven Gerrard recently did one of those videos where they put a footballer with a kid and let the adorableness of the interaction hypnotize you into wanting to buy his shirt. But after telling the child that Leicester “crap,” the kid brought up a now interesting topic: Landon Donovan’s retirement.

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Didier Drogba puts some old man wizard magic on a free kick

In the second minute of Montreal’s match against Orland, Didier Drogba took a free kick and added a bit of wizard magic to it. The ball moved in slow motion and right at the goalkeeper, hypnotizing him into pushing the ball into his own net.

Orlando went on to win 4-1 after Montreal’s goalkeeper was sent off early in the second half, but only because Drogba didn’t feel like stopping time all together and scoring five more times while everyone else was frozen in place.

Christian Pulisic is a divine being and the end times are upon us

Christian Pulisic became the youngest American to start a World Cup qualifier in the U.S.’s 4-0 win over Trinidad and Tobago. The 17-year-old played the entire match and instead of scoring the fourth goal of his budding international career, he hit both posts with a single shot.

From any other player, this would be nothing more than a curious anomaly. But from Pulisic, it is a clear sign that he possess supernatural powers and that the end times, which can only be brought on by the existence of a truly great American footballer who can withstand a level of hype and expectation that cripples mere mortals, are now upon us.

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Tim Howard makes incredible penalty save against Real Salt Lake

Since Tim Howard returned to MLS with the Colorado Rapids, he’s kept four clean sheets in nine starts (and conceded five goals to NYCFC), but the clearest reminder of his brilliance thus far came against Real Salt Lake on Friday. With Colorado down 2-1 in the 83rd minute, Salt Lake had a chance to finish off the game with a penalty. Howard came up with a fantastic save at full stretch, though, keeping his side in the game until the final whistle.

Salt Lake still won 2-1, but Howard stole the show with his save.