Tag: MLS

REVEALED: The unofficial template for USSF members to express outrage at USSF

[YOUR NAME AND TITLE HERE] STATEMENT ON [SOMETHING MESSED UP THAT USSF DID RE: THE USWNT]

When I saw the media reports of [something that the United States Soccer Federation did that I, a board member and very important person within the United States Soccer Federation assuredly already knew about], I was shocked, appalled, angry, and [some other word that basically means the same thing]. I have made these feelings clear to [the person allegedly higher up than me on the USSF food chain, who will hopefully be taking the fall for this] in no uncertain terms, and expressed that we must reverse this [course of action, which, again, I already knew about].

These actions do not reflect my personal views, nor the views that we should espouse as the leaders of soccer in the United States. On a personal level, as a father of daughters [or child of a mother/person who once saw a woman in a movie/whatever], I find these [actions which I supported when we began pursuing them, because I am on the board, and everything gets run by us] to be demeaning and despicable. I want my daughters [or daughters I could theoretically have on a separate plane of existence in the multiverse] to grow up believing they can do anything in the world, that they are every bit as talented and special as any man [a belief I would never have held if I had not had a daughter, or need for something resembling decent PR]. Those are values that everyone in [USSF, MLS, SUM, some other acronym that really rolls right off the tongue] should hold. The USWNT are world champions, and deserve nothing but our utmost respect [and only our respect, because if you think we’re going to willingly pay them more, you’re out of your goddamn mind].

I plan to immediately [a word that implies serious action, but can’t be verified] the [person who better be taking the fall] about this issue, and hope to find a swift resolution with our women’s soccer team [of whom I can name roughly seven].

Philadelphia Union recreate Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for throwback night

Sometimes you have to laugh to stop yourself from crying

The Philadelphia Union are the only team in MLS still looking for their first win of the season. In fact, they haven’t won since August of last year and they’re closing in on the league’s all-time record for consecutive matches without a win (19 games, held by the 1999 New York/New Jersey MetroStars). In the face of such abject misery, the club could fall into a collective depression and trudge through extra-long training sessions while listening to Joy Division in the fleeting hope of turning things around. Instead, they’re making parody videos of ’90s sitcom opening credit sequences.

To promote their upcoming “throwback night,” the Union had striker CJ Sapong (who, for the record, was born and raised in Virginia) star as “The Fresh Prince of Chest-Air”—a play on the club’s home in Chester, Pennsylvania, about 17 miles away from Will Smith’s playground in West Philadelphia. And the result is pretty great.

It’s always interesting when a club that’s less than 10 years old does a throwback thing — I mean, what do you throw back to? For the Union, it’s a TV show that ended 14 years before they played their first match and the original Bethlehem Steel FC, which was disbanded in 1930 and played in a different city more than 60 miles away (a USL club affiliated with the Union using the Bethlehem Steel name was founded in 2015).

(Philadelphia Union)

In other words, the club is throwing it back to when they weren’t around to lose all the time. Smart.