Speaking ahead of the Community Shield and the start of the new season, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho took a break from roasting his rivals to discuss what he felt his side need to do in order to successfully defend the Premier League title.
“We are trying to add new qualities to our game to improve what we did in the past,” the Portuguese told reporters during Chelsea’s pre-season tour of the United States.
“We are trying to be a little more unpredictable because opponents know us well and we want to go to the season with high motivation.”
Selling Petr Cech to Arsenal was a start on the path of unpredictableness, but since we at Dirty Tackle like to help, here are a few more ideas on how Chelsea can mix things up a bit…
-Instead of parking the bus, live life on the edge and leave it in neutral
-Let Arsene Wenger beat a Jose Mourinho team for once
-Have Roman Abramovich say something — anything (bonus points if he backs Rafa Benitez to deliver a Europa League title to Real Madrid)
-Have Jose Mourinho respond to jibes from his rivals with sincere compliments and well wishes for their families…maybe even send them gift baskets filled with homemade soaps
-Rig a system that suspends the bus two inches off the ground, or better yet, invent a carbon neutral HOVER BUS!!!
-Let an up and coming product of the youth academy play for the first team (Chelsea’s first team, not Vitesse’s)
-Instruct Diego Costa to say “I love you” every time he gets the urge to act out against an opponent
-Get Falcao to score goals, both for Chelsea and against
-Shrug and say “Everybody makes mistakes” whenever referees make an incorrect call against you
-Call “tails” on the pre-match coin flip whenever you have the urge to call “heads,” and vice versa
-Have the players do a bunch of bath salts before random matches and just see where the wind takes them
-Just say you’re going to change things, but then do everything exactly the same and drive people insane as they desperately search for what you’re doing differently